Oh man, this is an excellent episode. I finally have some time to recommence my explication of the poetry of Darren Starr now that I'm settled into a new apartment and still have to recover from surgery. I don't have cable installed yet, so you know what that means...endless 90210 episodes!
So back to "Thicker Than Water." So much crazy goodness happens in this episode it's insane. David's meth addiction has major consequences when he loses Mel & Jackie's daughter Erin (who is admittedly a little short bus-esque), which is just all kinds of crazy. Number one, meth addiction? I know it was so apropos for 1994, but meth is so backwoods trashy. Come on, David, don't you know that coke is the drug of the 90210? Hello Jackie Taylor? Anyway, the most unsettling thing about Erin's disappearance is that nobody seems all too concerned as they kick it at the police station "waiting for her to resurface."
Then Donna meets some ski instructor in Big Bear who REALLY reminds me of a child molester, Brandon is 18 going on 57 as usual, oh, and Dylan "bonds" with his frizzy-haired possible sister (that whole situation reeks of inappropriate. No self-respecting 18 year old former alcoholic gives a shit about a potential half sister. But then again, it is Dylan McKay, so...), and then, the bomb is dropped at the end: Andrea's preg. SNAP!
"THICKER THAN WATER" - Original Airdate: January 12, 1994
While David's drug problem escalates, Donna meets a handsome ski instructor. Dylan learns that Suzanne has a substantial bank account. Andrea finds out that she is pregnant.
- You know, the James Dean impulse in Dylan is something that I'm still struggling to comprehend. It does not represent a certain archetypical 90210 teen; it does not represent even a certain archetypical Angeleno. I guess the point they're trying to push is "bad boy with a credit card," but the experiment in character development definitely has failed. I guess it's revealed in the pilot when Dylan goes off talking about William Blake or whoever he talks about.
- Oh, so David's wearing one of those uber-hip 90s backwards newsboy caps, paired with a flannel jacket thing.
- David's station manager rips him a new one for complaining about his depressing, drug-addled life on air. He has the graveyard radio show shift, as freshmen in college usually do. I just...aiyaiyai. This is so early 90s.
- I mean meth, really, METH?!?!? Who in their right mind outside of those living in trailer parks decide that DOING METH is a good idea??? Coke, okay, I can see that, you're in LA, it's everywhere. Pot, naturally. Even E I can understand as a moment of fleeting curiosity. But METH????
- Kelly's bathrobe is rather unbecoming and ratty housewife as opposed to chic Beverly Hills coed.
- Donna's ski boots are custom-made. Of course they are.
- Also, she's retarded. David breaks up with her and is a little punk-ass bitch at every corner, and she still wants to bring him to her parents' ski cabin in Big Bear.
- Hmmm, Saddam Hussein gets a shout-out. So weird when this show tries to make a connection to the outside world. We don't believe you don't exist in a vacuum.
- Ooooh, the real reason David's pissed: Donna won't give it up.
- "Oh, so this is what it's all about, sex. Well it just so happens, David, there's more to life than sex!" "And how would you know?" HAHAHAHA. It's delivered with the perfect amount of arrogance and grace, too. Well done, Brian Austin Green.
- At least Donna is strong enough to stand up for herself and not be pressured into having sex before she wants to. If we could all only be so lucky.
- Cindy Walsh, naturally, packs them coolers full of snacks for the gang to take on their road trip.
- HAHAHA, Steve just made fun of Jim Walsh's hairy chest: "Fred Segal hair shirt, circa 1992? Nice."
- I love Brenda. She snaps Donna out of it FAST.
- Yeah, Bren, fun is the best revenge.
- What time of year is this? Oh yeah, January. God bless Southern California weather.
- Jim Walsh checked up on Dylan's "sister's" mom - she's taking him for a ride, natch. Dylan is such a sucker.
- Oh, this is so weird. Dylan wants to teach Erica, his half-"sister," how to surf. It's revealed that she can't swim. She also read The Old Man and the Sea.
- Dylan also apparently has friends outside of the gang, as revealed when he chats with a pretty sexy surfer dude.
- Jackie and Mel drama. David's baby-sitting Erin today for Mel, and David is also a total bitch. And has more flannel.
- Kelly totally calls David out on the drugs. He goes ape-shit, obvi, but he doesn't admit to anything. Drug addicts really do suck. DON'T DO DRUGS, stick to pot.
- The Pacific is never warm enough on the West Coast to make it worthwhile to swim in, in my opinion.
- Erica can't swim blah blah blah.
- And Mel is teaching his short bus daughter how to brush her teeth. Why isn't he taking care of his daughter on his weekend? Jackie's going to have a conniption fit. Especially when his crack head son loses her.
- David steals "codeine sulfate" from Mel's dentist's office. WHat are they doing there on a Saturday? Also, these pills look suspiciously like baby Tylenol. That stuff tastes amazing. The little pink chewables? Love that shit.
- Donna's custom-made ski boots are giving her hell. This makes me sad. I can't ski ever again now that I've had my spinal fusion surgery, lest I break any more bones or loosen any hardware. :-( I guess that means I'll be explicating 90210 all Christmas break!
- OMG, the ski boot salesman who helps Donna looks like a poor man's Eric Stoltz who also happens to be a registered sex offender.
- WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. She's going all pre-med on the campus health clinic doctor, which doesn't even make sense. I have a friend who's in med school and the first year is all memorization of body parts, not terminology and how to self-diagnose. I can't stand this ho.
- Oooh, she thinks she has AIDS. Scary times. Little does she know...
- Dylan takes Erica to a public pool of some sort to teach her how to swim. Also, there are bizarre camera angles that are rather reminiscent of the work of a Lifetime Original Movie cinematographer. Also, on the public pool: I don't know of any in LA. Seriously. I don't.
- Short bus Erin likes to wander off to strange old ladies who want to give her cookies. David has this really horrendous Vanilla Ice-ish earring. He swears his bad times are over. And David and Kelly allow Erin to run off to the ice cream man. Doesn't Kelly know ice cream men are all drug dealing child molesters?!
- Jennie Garth is so cute. She's got the whole Liz Phair-early 90s schtick going on.
- OMG, I SO would have coveted Donna's ski jacket in 1994, when I was in 4th grade in Buffalo, New York (and Ridgefield, Connecticut). It's a purple-cerulean feast for the eyes.
- They're all flipping their shit about the cold. I've never been to Big Bear, but I think it's only a few hours outside of LA, I can't imagine it's that cold of a mountain...
- Tori Spelling is just so painfully stupid. Either that or she's a REALLY bad actress.
- Ha! David's codeine sulfate knocked him out and he's sleeping on a park bench when Kelly shows up again. What a junkie. Nobody's seen Erin. The ice cream man took her, I'm telling you.
- They're not really acting all that hysterical, wouldn't you scream and call 911 immediately?
- You don't understand how a little girl could have gone so far in such a short amount of time? It's called kidnapping, Kelly. Child molesters. Sex offenders. WELCOME TO THE 90s, BITCH.
- They're all so disturbingly calm.
- The Jimmy Smits-like cop thinks Jackie kidnapped Erin. Where do they find these actors? 1-800-Rent-A-Waiter?
- Why are they not more furious with David for FALLING ASLEEP whilst baby-sitting his sister? They're so blase about it. My parents would have kicked my ass if I had fallen asleep while baby-sitting and LOST one of their children.
- Oh, god, make it go away. Erica has her period at the pool and has to tell Dylan. So Dylan's in the girl's locker room trying to talk to her and some woman comes in and yells at him and he's all, "Lady, you do whatever you gotta do, I'm not leavin'." He's so dreamy.
- I HATE PERIODS AND ALL ASSOCIATED TALK. My shrink says this is because deep down I hate myself for not having been born a boy and having a period is the ultimate expression of femininity. Perhaps.
- Of course Dylan takes her to Cindy Walsh. The Florence Henderson of the 90210.
- Brenda's rather background in this episode. I guess this is the beginning of the end of Shannen Doherty's career on the show.
- Donna's staying behind in the ski lodge to hang out with Chester the Molester.
- Jim breaks the news to Dylan that Suzanne (Erica's mom, one-time love of Jack McKay) is a lying, conniving whore.
- Dylan doesn't care. He has a sister. Awwww.
- Jackie Taylor is the only one who acts appropriately to the missing child situation. Way to stretch your acting wings.
- This is an EXCELLENT hysterical fit.
- They keep saying it's not David's fault. Actually, it is.
- OMGOMGOMG. Donna and Chester are sitting in a ski lodge on a couch in front of a fire and - oh god - smooth jazz is playing in the background. This is sooo Danielle Steel movie-of-the-week.
- Donna realizes she loves David, not Chester.
- They're all just hanging out at the police station like this is no big deal. Oh, and of course Erin just randomly shows up, she was hanging with an illegal housekeeper all day. Those Taylor-Silvers are some lucky people.
- The whole reason Suzanne showed up on Dylan's door was because of a flood in their hometown in Iowa. Um, there's a flood, you lose everything, so...you drive to Los Angeles to look up the son of a man who possibly was the father of your daughter and hope that he takes you in and gives you money? REALLY intelligent plan.
- And now that she has $25,000 from an insurance settlement she...is good to go? That is not that much money, even in early 90s terms. Hello, technological boom? Remember that? Venture capital? Silicon Valley?
- But Suzanne comes clean and Dylan falls for her story, hook, line, and sinker.
- David tells Kelly about his drug problem. And she's really nice to him about it. I guess that's the way you have to handle it, but HE JUST LOST THEIR SISTER for Pete's sake. Kelly pledges her support to David in his battle against methamphetamines.
- Uh, yes, Andrea, waiting for the results of an HIV test can play nasty tricks with your mind.
- ANDREA'S PREGNANT! Why are they friends with this girl?! I'm glad her storyline is also completely disconnected from the rest of the gang. That's what she gets for being 45.
Yay! This is a great season.
