This is my inaugural post to this site/column/social snark commentary/what have you. I am beginning with Season 2 not for any reason other than I just got it this weekend and it inspired me to begin the deconstructing of one of the greatest teen dramas EVER.
I decided to start with this classic Emily Valentine episode for several reasons: it’s one of my favorite episodes of 90210 ever, one that I think truly captures the essence of the show. Also, my former boss directed this episode. I considered reviewing them in order, Pilot to Series Finale, Season 1 through Season 10, but then decided that I would probably stay more entertained with this project if I jumped around and started with some of the best episodes. I will stay in GENERAL chronological order, however (mostly because they haven’t released most of the seasons on DVD yet).
From the back of the DVD: “U4EA” - Original Airdate: November 14, 1991
Emily invites everyone to a secret party at an underground club - where she does something that could end her relationship with Brandon forever!
So Emily Valentine is the psycho-but-”sexy” girl from out of town who swoops in in the second season and catches the eye of both Brandon and Dylan. Her true psychoness doesn’t really shine through until later on, but it starts to unravel here. She has a ballsy short hair cut and is rockin’ the Madonna roots visible under the platinum hair and rides a motorcycle. She plays the guitar and wears flannel, which both make her stand out even more (because apparently it’s pretty out there for a girl to play the guitar at West Beverly). Anyway, blah blah blah, she ends up with Brandon. In this episode, she’s enticed the gang to attempt to go to this secret underground rave that she’s so in with, and seeing as this gang has the sophistication of 11 year olds, they are really shocked and worried about this plan. Emily tries to get the others to try “U4EA,” which I can only deduce must be the 90210 equivalent of ecstasy, but they all refuse. Wanting Brandon to partake in what is rumored to be an orgasmic experience, she slips him the drug in his non-alcoholic beverage (we gotta drive, guys). Madness and drama ensues, and Brandon ends up getting his ‘65 ‘Stang destroyed by vandalism in a mighty show of compensating moral values. And now, for the play-by-play:
• Directed by Charles Braverman! That’s my old boss.
• Emily has given Brandon a shelf in his locker. Jokes about moving in together. Sexual innuendo. This is so bizarre. Who shares lockers?
• It looks like Jason Priestley is a good kisser.
• Oh, holy Moses, it’s the egg party. Did these ever really exist? You trade an egg at a pre-arranged location for the address to the party. Note to self: Google search this. The gang seems a little worried.
• Brandon immediately takes Emily to the newspaper office and they invite Andrea. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA? moment #1. Who wants to bring big glasses-wearing narc Andrea? Why did Steve come into the school paper offices and WHY did he ask Andrea to be his date? Of course Andrea can turn this into an award-winning piece for the Blaze.
• Kelly’s so hip with her mom she can even tell her when she’s going to party. Oh Jackie Taylor, you’re so progressive.
• Mom jeans alert.
• Someone’s been reading their parenting books! Jackie has decided to step in and be a responsible mother for once, forbidding Kelly from going to this illegal underground party.
• Jim and Cindy, meanwhile, remain blissfully unawares.
• Jackie put a lot of faith in Kelly, going over to Mel’s and leaving Kelly to stay at home.
• Brandon is wearing a blazer. To a rave.
• David Silver sums it up perfectly: “Exchange an egg. That’s cool. That’s very cool.”
• The egg dude sells David Jack Daniels. What is he, headless?
• Ahhh, the moral values of these kids. Shame on David for trying to get wasted. You don’t have to drink to have fun!
• Looks like Fabio is the bartender at this little shindig.
• I seriously don’t understand how they all can be dancing without ANY SUBSTANCES IN THEM AT ALL.
• This girl - Emily - is ca-raaazy. WHO DRUGS THEIR BOYFRIEND?!
• “I love you, I knew you’d get off on it!” Whoa there Emily Valentine, easy with the dirty talk.
• Ahh, it seems that Emily Valentine has lied about her drug history. Duped again, Brandon.
• Steve and Andrea on their “date.” Steve, you have lost serious cool points for hanging out with that dweeb.
• Kelly and Brenda see syringes on the ground and tell Dylan that people are smoking crack. I guess DARE taught them nothing.
• Oh Dylan, you seasoned alcoholic, you. He took good care of David the barfing whiskey drinker.
• Brenda and Dylan are surprisingly furious at Brandon and Emily Valentine for being on drugs for people who go to West Beverly Hills High School, where there MUST be insane amounts of drugs.
• They keep calling taking U4EA “getting stoned.” Seriously, did any of these writers have ANY exposure to drugs AT ALL? I find it incredibly hard to believe that none of them would know the proper termage for the drug world.
• Andrea, predictably, is disgusted with Brandon for his lapse in judgment. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! moment #2.
• What a lame sister - Brenda is hating on Brandon for taking U4EA because their parents trusted them. What kind of twin bond is that? You’re supposed to cover for your sibs, bitch.
• Brandon is surprisingly deep about his ONE EXPERIENCE WITH DRUGS. And Brenda is just happy that he hasn’t changed. Seriously, guys? One night? Cut the boy some slack.
• Now it’s Dylan’s turn to lecture. And Brandon pushes on in his depth: U4EA didn’t bring us closer together, it pulled us apart. How poignant.
• Cindy Walsh has seen drug casualties in her time? In college? I would have put money on her being friends with an Andrea or two of her own.
• OOOOOOH, SNAP! Emily: Do you remember all the things you said last night, Brandon? Well, let me refresh your memory. You said, I have never had such intense feelings for someone in my life. Brandon: Yeah, well, I must have been on drugs.
• Oh shit. Andrea just stepped behind the counter at the Peach Pit to perform the hit PSA, “This is your brain. [egg] This is your brain on drugs. [scrambled egg]” And it fits in, get it, because they had to EXCHANGE AN EGG! WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! moment #3.
Stay tuned for more…
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