3.5 "Shooting Star / American in Paris" aka "Dylan Is a Cheating Whore"

This episode is fun because Dean Cain makes his first appearance and because it's the beginning of the long and winding road that is Kelly and Dylan's relationship. Brandon is dating some chick named Brooke, who I’m pretty sure is a racist. He also befriends a homeless man. (What is up with these people befriending the dirty homeless population of LA?) Dylan and Kelly realize all of a sudden that they were meant to be together. WHAT ABOUT BRENDA YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING BITCHES?!?! David lets Steve be his manager (David is all…trying to be a rock star or something). Andrea the retard loses her deaf student. And Brenda falls in love with DEAN CAIN (!!!) in Paris, but he thinks she’s French, so she has to keep up this charade. I guess they’re all cheaters. Tsk tsk tsk.

From the back of the box:

“SHOOTING STAR” / “AMERICAN IN PARIS” - Original Airdate: August 12, 1992
Brenda pretends to be French to spend time with an American student in Paris. Brandon befriends a homeless man. Dylan and Kelly discuss their relationship.

Here we go here we go again…

• Dylan and Kelly are all over each other in the picture on the menu of this disc. Shame shame shame. Although eventually they end up together, I still think it should have been Dylan and Brenda.
  
• Francs! Ah, days before the Euro.
  
• I wonder where they filmed the Paris scenes. They…couldn’t possibly have gone to France, could they have?
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. She has this deaf kid she’s helping out and she’s bothering Brandon at work. GOD.
  
• This homeless vet does not belong on the beach.
  
• Oh holy rollerblading gear, Batman! Brandon’s racist girlfriend is a skanky bitch.
  
• Nice, um, short shorts, Steve.
  
• David is not a talented musician. He sounds like Milli Vanilli. And why did he set up his studio in his father’s beach club cabana?
  
• Dylan and Kelly hooked up last episode I guess. At least Kelly is feeling remorse. Dylan, on the other hand, is not. I guess Kelly isn’t the bitch I always want to think she is.
  
• Hmmm, this looks more like Griffith Park and less like the Jardins des Tuileries.
  
• Dean Cain is tres sexy.
  
• What is it with the romanticization of Paris? It is seriously not all that it is cracked up to be, dudes.
  
• “London was cool, but they drive on the wrong side of the street.” Excellent observation, Rick.
  
• Sweet Moses I cannot get over that winner of a onesie Brandon’s gf is wearing. And is that a gold chain, Brandon? Coupled with jeans shorts?
  
• The homeless vet is rather bitter. Get thee to the Salvation Army, good man! It’s in Santa Monica.
  
• Oooh damn, Kelly has admitted her lifelong crush on Dylan. Not good, Taylor, not good.
  
• Shit, they’re gonna have sex now. And it’s gonna be a big deal because Brenda wouldn’t give it up for so long, but since Kelly’s a slut, she has no problem jumping into bed at the drop of a hat.
  
• Awww, Dylan feels guilty. I’m rooting for him and Brenda, I know it won’t last though. So sad. Teenage love is so sad.
  
• DAMNIT BRENDA, STAY AWAY FROM DEAN CAIN!
  
• Ghetto camera, bud.
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2. She’s wearing mom khakis.
  
• Way to be all social message-y, Darren Starr. ”The government doesn’t take care of our vets” blah blah blah. I don’t want my 90210 contaminated by your stupid angsty freshman year politics.
  
• Brenda, you lying, cheating whore.
  
• So Kelly is more adventurous than Brenda. She’ll jetski with Dylan and make out with him in the water. Ugh.
  
• Ah yes, Jim Walsh sent Brenda to Paris to separate her from Dylan.
  
• Rick needs to be taught about the European kiss greeting? Retard.
  
• Nice, um, muscle shirt, Steve.
  
• You’re such a romantic, Dylan, camping out under the stars on the beach and all. One word: sand.
  
• Oh damn…caught by David Silver.
  
• Brenda wears corsets under her clothes. Hot.
  
• “Steve has connections, Kelly, he can get me a record deal.” You said it, Kelly: “In your dreams, David.”
  
• The southern belle who’s on the study abroad program has glasses the size of her head.
  
• Hmmm, Rick shows up at the good-bye party for the Americans. What a small world. And what the eff is up with his obsession with French women? They’re uptight smokestacks.
  
• Hot sunglasses, David.
  
• Steve is the Lynne Spears of the friend world. His friends are only worth as much money as they can make him.
  
• Ah, wise Henry, you lost faith in humanity long ago. Young Brandon has so much to learn.
  
• Whoa, whoa, WHOA, Dylan, you weren’t seriously considering leaving Brenda for Kelly, were you?!?! Kelly is a better man than you.
  
• Brandon’s racist girlfriend looks like she’s 47.
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #3. She interrupts all romantic moments with her stupid pathetic shit. How did she get herself an official Beverly Hills Beach Club uniform?
  
• Brenda is risking it all to say good bye to Rick! For some reason I don’t hate her for cheating as much as I hate Dylan for it.
  
• Meanwhile, Dylan is camping out on the beach with a bonfire and Kelly and a pizza. And he makes a really really lame Casablanca reference when he says, “Of all the beaches in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
  
• You cannot see that many stars off the western LA coast. Light pollution.
  
• Okay, damn, this music totally made me fall for Dylan and Kelly to be together.
  

This is getting good...