1.19: "April Is the Cruelest Month" aka "Matthew Perry Goes Psycho"

"APRIL IS THE CRUELEST MONTH" - Original Airdate: April 11, 1991

Brandon interviews a classmate, Roger, who's an outstanding athlete and student--and haunted by the overbearing success of his father.  When Brandon reads a script written by Roger, he begins to worry that the grisly ending just might come true.

So ol' Brando plays cop in this episode, uncovering a harrowing tale of parents who push too hard and children who will never live up to their own standards.  Matthew Perry guest stars as Roger, the handsome school perfectionist tennis star whose wealthy father is reminiscent of another infamous Beverly Hills dad, Jose Menendez.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this was one of Darren Star's first attempts at "ripped from the headlines" writing.  (Didn't Lyle Menendez play tennis, too?  Or was it Eric?  Also, Matthew Perry is a big time tennis player.  Tennis is a theme here.  Hmm, I wonder what that means.)  Anyway, like the Menendez bros, Roger writes a screenplay in which he kills his maniacal father.  But can Brandon save the day before fiction becomes reality?

• I love how there are random interjections of other popular kids at West Beverly.
• Matthew Perry is wearing some hot teal short shorts.
• Brandon is interviewing Roger for the Blaze.  Of course he is.
• Roger has lettered in 3 sports, is a straight-A student, is a volunteer, a member of an environmental group, and won't grant Brandon an interview.
• Really.  The teal pleated chinos.
• SAT jitters.  Blah blah blah.  Donna is more concerned about the Fred Segal.
• Andrea is so impressed that Brandon scored an interview with Roger Azarian.  The sentiment?  WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?!
• Steve hates Roger because Roger's perfect.
• Roger's dad is a self-made millionaire who owns half of Orange County and has real estate everywhere.  Original.
• Kelly, Brenda, and Donna are all wearing different colored blazers.  I should invest in a mustard-colored blazer.
• Brenda gets an 1190 on the SATs.
• Cindy says, "TS Eliot was right.  April is the cruelest month," because she has to do taxes.  Now THAT is some great writing.
• Roger's house is a big scary Beverly Hills monstrosity plastered in diploma-looking awards to Roger's pops and cases of guns.  Note the use of foreshadowing.
• Brandon inexplicably knows how to handle a gun.
• The guys yuk it up to a joke about the similarities between Beverly Hills and the jungle.  Heh heh heh!
• Why does Cindy do the Walsh taxes when Jim is an accountant?  I wouldn't trust that bitch with a calculator.
• Jim wants to bet on who does better on the SATs, Brenda or Brandon.
• Brandon wants to record the conversation/interview with Roger, and Roger has a problem with this.  Paranoid rich people.
• Roger is annoyed that his father is getting him into college (Stanford) and getting his screenplay read by an agent.  The father is happy that Roger is being interviewed.
• Brandon: "You really wrote a screenplay?"  Roger: "Every busboy in Hollywood has a screenplay under his arm."  Now, I can't decide which joke to go with here: 1) This isn't true.  The busboys are too busy trying to remain off the grid lest their illegality be revealed.  or 2) Brandon.  What a dumbass.
• Brandon gets an 1190 on his SATs too.  I can't believe he didn't whip Brenda's ass.
• Jim knows George Azarian.  Of course.  
• Brandon and Brenda read aloud Roger's screenplay and discover that Roger harbors homicidal tendencies towards his father.  Matthew Perry wants to know if it turns his gf on.
• Kelly gets a 1050 on her SATs.  Donna is remaining suspiciously mum about it.  This is because she's an idiot and probably got a 320.
• Kelly had sex with Roger.  Roger then dumped Kelly because she wasn't good enough for his dad.
• The writing in the fake screenplay is better than the writing in the damn show.
• Andrea calls Roger one of the hottest new athletes of the 90s.  Then what is he doing at West Beverly, moron?
• Brandon tells Andrea about the screenplay murder, she does think it's a biggie.
• Kelly wants to go to Washington & Lee because the male-to-female ratio is 20 to 1.
• A floral blazer!  Floral patchwork I should say, donned by Kelly Taylor.
• Donna's retarded, we get it.
• It's taking Brandon an awfully long time to read this stupid screenplay.
• Brandon thinks Roger's offer of box seat Dodger tickets is his way of "buying him off."  Naturally, Roger is offended.
• Dylan makes his first appearance 19 minutes into the episode, when Brandon seeks him out for complicated father-son relationship advice.
• Brandon learns that he and Brenda saved Dylan from "going over the edge."
• Donna's dressed all sexy, wearing sunglasses, and "lighting up" in the parking lot.  That would be cigarettes, not doobies.
• Of course Beverly Hills boy has a shrink.
• Roger sneaks into the house...
• ...his father is busy doing work in his office...
• ...Roger takes a gun from the wall...
• ..."Is that you, son?" George calls from the office...
• ...Roger enters the office, shoots his father twice...
• ...and Brandon finishes the screenplay!
• Steve offends Roger by insinuating that his father is going to get him into college.
• Mrs. Teasly tells Kelly and Brenda that Donna missed a meeting with her today.  And they realize she wasn't at school today...something must be up.
• Roger challenges Dylan to a Porsche race and when Dylan refuses, Roger peels out of the parking lot.
• Brenda bumps into Donna at Fred Segal.  I like how blunt she is with Donna: "What's wrong with you?" before even a concerned, "Is everything okay?"
• Donna got a 630 on the SATs.  Her mother told her she better find a rich guy to marry her.  Ha!
• Brandon witnesses an altercation between Roger and his father because Roger didn't get into Stanford.  Roger can't cut it on his own and George is pissed.  I love Chandler.
• Brandon offers to walk home.  Nobody walks in Los Angeles.
• Brandon finds a gun in the backseat of Rog's Porsche.
• Brandon calls Andrea at the Rap Line because he doesn't know what to do.  He went to the police, apparently, too, and they didn't do anything.  Stupid cops.
• Andrea says you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped.  Shut up, Andrea.
• Brandon finally goes to Jim for advice.  Jim says that Roger needs a friend.  Why did they try to turn this into an after school special?  This show is so bad, I can't believe I watch it.
• Brandon sneaks into the house using the key under the potted plant, as described in the screenplay.  It's all coming true!
• Brandon sees a light on in the office and has rather frightening jump cut visions of Roger shooting the gun at his father.
• But...nobody's in the office.
• And...now they're at school...what?
• Kelly's wearing a kelly green blazer and Brenda is wearing a dark brown tweed blazer with a bi-colored lapel.
• Wait, did Mrs. Teasly shave her head in the middle of this episode?
• Brandon can't find the Azarians.  I don't get it.  Why didn't he look for him in the house last night?
• Brandon uses the clues in the screenplay to crack the case!  He borrows Dylan's car, getting the keys from him while he's in the middle of building a computer?  This show is so random.
• Here they go again with the after school special: Donna has a learning disability.  It's nothing to be ashamed of!  Yes it is.
• Donna is "one of those people who [doesn't] do well with time limits."  What?!  Who doesn't have a problem with time limits?
• Brandon, meanwhile, runs to the guest house to find Roger drunk and shooting up his dad's awards.
• And as usual Brandon has it all wrong.  Roger is going to kill himself, not his father.  Idiot, Brandon, idiot.  Poor Matthew Perry.
• Brandon saves the day, of course, and Roger breaks down in tears.  I love Matthew Perry.
• Donna's taking a special oral SAT with no time limit.  Skank.
• Brandon is a geek, I gotta say.
• Brandon catches George outside Roger's hospital room.  I guess he's on a...what do they call it?  4140?  Psych hold?  Whatever.  They're both getting help.
• Roger wants BRandon to tell the truth about his depression and suicide attempt because he hopes it will help someone.  AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL.  From now on we will refer to this show as "ASS."
• Brandon brings a radio to the hospital to listen to the game with Roger.  A radio?  Really? 

There you have it.  Different colored blazers, learning disabilities, and oppressive fathers.  Beverly Hills in a nutshell.

1.7: "Perfect Mom" aka "Jackie Taylor Does Coke In This Episode"

"PERFECT MOM" - Original Airdate: November 22, 1990

"Delusions of glamour" overcome Brenda when she meets Kelly's beautiful mother Jackie, a former model.  Jackie's also a recovering addict and, when she falls off the wagon, her dark side comes back for all to see.

JACKIE TAYLOR DOES COKE IN THIS EPISODE.  That is all.

• West Bev has an "annual fashion show for charity??"
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?!  Moment #1.  She's OBVIOUSLY anti-fashion show.  Brandon sticks it to her when he says she should write the article.  She takes him into her "office" to give him a talking-to.  Right.  Her mom can't do the fashion show because she lives in the dark streets of Van Nuys and not Beverly Hills.
• David's obsessed with Kelly!  He's making a video diary thing of her.  This is...so Saved by the Bell.
• Who brings their new clothes to school on the hangers to show people?
• David's camera is the eyes and ears of West Beverly High.  David's gonna try to sneak into the fashion show model dressing room, and he thinks Kelly will "get off on it."
• Jackie's hot and hip in her fringed string bikini.
• Jackie's uber-hot.  And drinking again.  Uh-oh...
• Kelly's influencing Brenda - now Brenda wants microwaved popcorn for dinner!
• OMG Cindy Walsh FLIPS HER SHIT when she finds out that Jackie Taylor doesn't cook!
• Jackie comes smashing in at the crack of dawn looking like a used whore because Don broke up with her.
• Jackie is a heeeeinous bitch to Kelly.  Message: alcohol and drug abuse makes you an evil whore.
• Brenda is crazy!  She keeps bragging about Jackie Taylor to her mom and then goes apeshit on Cindy for being June Cleaver.
• Andrea is trying to look pretty by brushing her hair into a frizzy mess.  Of course Brandon thinks it looks good.
• Brenda thinks Kelly's life is perfect.  Brenda is wearing some very unflattering jeans.
• Cindy freaks when she finds out about Kelly's nose job.
• And Kelly freaks when she finds out Andrea is coming to dinner.
• Oooooh, Brenda didn't tell Cindy about the mother-daughter fashion show.  Cindy runs off to cry.
• Brenda, OMG, I love her.  Cindy: I may be more down-to-earth than some of these other mothers in this town, but trust me, Brenda, that's not such a bad thing to be.  Brenda: Or something to be proud of.
• Jackie's passed out from Stolichnaya.
• Here it is, Jackie whips out the vial and mirror and razor to do coke.  She just needs a jump start.
• Ahhhh Donna's mom is some weird harsh-looking woman.
• Jackie is wearing a horrific First Lady-looking gown.
• Andrea, as usual, is a freak.
• This looks like it was filmed on videotape.
• Jackie and Kelly are here, Jackie's in the bathroom doing coke and Cindy walks in on her.
• Donna's mother looks like a ffffffreeeeeak.
• Brenda can't wait for Cindy to meet Jackie and it's awwwwwk.
• Jackie's losing it on stage as emcee.  Kelly's embarrassed.
• Andrea looks like a freak, and Jim and Brandon ooh and aah.  WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?!
• Jackie goes on a feminist, angry ex-model rant against men and Los Angeles from the podium.
• Jackie passes out and Kelly runs off and Brenda follows her, exposed for the moron that she is.
• Kelly: You probably think everybody's family is perfect just like yours.  Brenda: My family is not perfect.  Kelly: Well, at least they're sober.
• Kelly comes back to the comfort of the Walsh house, where Andrea tells Kelly she thinks she's totally amazing because she's not perfect like Andrea and everybody thought she was.
• And now Kelly's telling Andrea she's pretty?!  What is this, Saved by the Bell?!
• Jim is playing his keyboards.  Hot.
• Jackie comes over to the Walsh's and fights with Kelly.  Kelly refuses to go home.
• Kelly goes home late that night and her mom is packing.  She's going to rehab.  Yay!
• Brandon and Brenda have a heart to heart about Kelly and her mom.  We're so blessed...I'm a fool...Mom's always there for us...
• Cindy Walsh tries her best.
• Hmm, Steve was absent from this episode.  So was Dylan.

4.27: "Divas" aka "A Battle of the Crazies, Pt. 1"

Okay, so some director who's supposed to be world famous (for being good and for sleeping with his leading ladies, natch) comes to CU to direct a play.  Spelling Entertainment gets across the notion of "famous and important to the stage" by giving this dude, Roy Randolph, a British accent and a kicky mustache.  Brenda, of course, has to try out for Maggie (they're doing Cat on a Hot Tin Roof), and in growing attempts to patch things up with Brenda, Kelly insists on helping her rehearse, only to try out for the lead herself.  Suzanne meets some dude who later on screws Dylan out of his inheritance, Claire - the Chancellor's daughter - continues her obsessive stalking of Brandon.  (So weird that she wants Brandon and ends up with...Steve?!?!)  And Andrea thinks she's dying or some shit like that.

"DIVAS" - Original Airdate: April 20, 1994

When a renowned director comes to campus to stage a play, Kelly helps Brenda prepare to audition for the main role, but the director wants Kelly to read for the lead.  Andrea worries that something is wrong with her pregnancy.

• Ahhhhhahahahaha, Brenda's using a microfiche machine!  That is hilarious!  Remember those?
• Of course Dylan saw Roy Randolph's Broadway production of Streetcar Named Desire.
• Brenda reminds Dylan of a pre-Richard Burton Elizabeth Taylor.
• Oooh, foreshadowing: Erica is into conspiracy theories.
• Andrea is as big as a house.
• The female half of the gang formed a "sorority" to keep in touch after high school.  Of course they did.
• They girls invite Erica to be in their sorority.
• Claire's dressed in a classic grunge princess getup: beaded necklace, gelled hair, oversized leather jacket, black jumper...of sorts...and black tights and combat boots.
• Oh, and she speaks French.
• Suzanne's boyf is so gross.  Definitely in the Chester the Molester line-up.
• Jim and Cindy are going to the Springs of Palm AGAIN.
• Uhh, excellent Southern accent, Brenda.
• Steve's cutting down on "the booze and the babes."
• Enter Crazy #1: Laura Kingman is back.
• Steve stumbles upon Laura screaming - ahem, rehearsing - in her dorm room.  And then she hits on him.  Obviously.
• She's counting on landing the lead in the play to change her life.
• Samantha Sanders was the lead in the play before she became famous.
• So, Steve is now going to coach Laura.  This plan is airtight.
• Donna got a puppy for her and David and it lives at the beach house.
• Roy Randolph likes Maggie "fetching, love-starved, and dangerous."  Brenda lays on the praise thick and gives him The Eye.
• "Nothing should inhibit the moves of a dangerous woman." -Roy Randolph
• Suzanne gets Dylan to convince Erica to like Kevin, her Chesterly boyfriend.
• Steve is wearing jeans shorts.
• Brenda encourages Kelly to audition for a small part in the play.
• I always forget Dylan and Kelly are still together.  He spends all his time with his fucking "sister" and her wild-haired, conniving mother.
• Brandon tells the Chancellor while Claire is listening in that he has the house to himself for the weekend.
• Brandon's involved in this ridiculous "task force" thing ... I don't know.  Jason Priestly has Senator fantasies, we get it.
• Laura has a serious case of the crazy eyes.
• And she rubs up on Steve and tries to make out with him.  This girl is WACKO with a J, to steal a phrase from Mr. Sanders.
• Donna and David's puppy is named "Rocky."
• Andrea rips Jackie Taylor's maternity dress when she tries it on and David goes, "Ooooh, a little too tight."  Smooth.
• Kelly makes a big dramatic entrance to auditions.
• And Roy Randolph's stage manager is a jovial old man who says every day above ground is a good day for him.
• "All I need out of life is a rehearsal studio and a bedroom, preferably attached." -Another great from Roy Randolph (allegedly, according to Brenda).
• Clare shows up at Casa Walsh with an overnight bag to stay the weekend.
• Clare is into "sex, rock, [and] really decent literature."  So maybe she's not half bad.
• Clare is dancing sexily whilst listening to a Walkman.
• Kevin reminds Erica of John Wilkes Booth's getaway driver.
• Roy Randolph remembers Brenda Walsh.
• You can see the jealousy rising in Laura's eyes.  Tyra would love Laura's eyes.  Very expressive.
• Laura overhears Roy and his stage manager yukking it up about how hot Brenda is.
• Brenda does some pretty funny Southern accent screaming.
• Steve has a Gameboy!
• Clare, according to Brandon, "has the body of a centerfold and the personality of a volcano."
• Holy shit, Clare has a fully on a black lace teddy.  With a backwards newsboy cap and combat boots.
• And then she handcuffs herself to Brandon's bed.
• He is such a Boy Scout.  He leaves her and goes to the library.  I know someone like that.
• Eddie is the name of Roy Randolph's stage manager.
• Roy Randolph hits on Kelly and asks her to audition for the lead.
• Donna is an idiot.  But we knew that.
• Ha!  Clare is a true Cosmo girl.
• According to the doctor, Andrea's mother's instinct doesn't work and nothing is wrong with her baby.
• Yikes.  Side view of Andrea.
• Uh-oh.  Kevin found Dylan's weak spot: surfing.  Now he's going to use that information to steal his inheritance.   Dylan, don't be a fool!
• Dylan, uh, saves Kevin's life when he nearly steps in front of a bus.  It's awkward.
• Laura, Kelly, and Brenda got call backs for Maggie.  Crazy Queen Laura heard Kelly's the front-runner.  And tells Brenda that Kelly went out for coffee with Randolph after the audition.  Brenda does her best "WHAT?!"  I love that tone.

Stay tuned for Part II...

Go Bills.

Interesting!

Here's the IMDB page for Celeste, aka Jennifer Grant.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0335462/bio

4.9: "Otherwise Engaged" aka "Brenda's At It Again"

So the theme of this episode is "adultery."  Or "sex."  Or "relationships."  Yeah, "relationships" is probably the best theme.  Brenda's all gettin' it on with Stuart, the son of the Walsh's friend who's loaded and a douchebag, and he wants her to sign a pre-nup.  (Why is she getting married as a freshman in college?  She's not Mormon, there is no draft...this makes no sense.  Brenda practically spit in the face of Gloria Steinem.  Tsk tsk, Aaron Spelling.)  Naturally, everyone but Brenda sees red flags in this.  Also, Brandon carries out a very mature, very bad boy affair with the wife of one of his professors.  (Who will later go on to teach a women's lib class to the female half of the gang.  Oh the irony.)  And Steve, the un-neutered dog, cheats on Celeste, the girl he met on the dating game show with Brandon.  He cheats on Celeste with Laura, this frail, fragile, actress freak who tries to kill herself at one point later on during auditions for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  Good times.

"OTHERWISE ENGAGED" - Original Airdate: November 3, 1993

Brenda discovers that Stuart wants a prenuptial agreement and decides to sign it.  Brandon shares a romantic dinner with Lucinda, who is married to Professor Randall.  Steve cheats on Celeste with Laura.

• There's someone credited at the beginning all the time named "Matthew Laurence."  I can't figure out who this is.  I'll have to IMDB him.
• Hmm, apparently Brandon has become a workout buff in his college days.  He so reminds me of my dad.
• Ah yes, he only came because of some chica.  Lucinda Randall, the wife of a professor.  There are all kinds of awkward sexual innuendos (okay I know that's not a word spell-check) using working out as their base.
• So Brenda's engaged.  To a zillionaire.  Okay, maybe I judged too soon.  I might marry a zillionaire in college, too.  Just kidding.  Never.  But at least now there's a reason.
• HAHA!  Jim to Cindy: "Remind me again why we had children?"
• Apparently Jim and Cindy are with me on the marriage thing.
• Brenda is soooo Bay Area Grunge Princess right now.  Dark hair, creamy skin, cotton floral print jumper with combat boots...
• Err, Lucinda is wearing a half-shirt.  Like seriously, a bandeau top with sleeves.
• Lucinda, like the Aboriginies, believes in body language.  I know I spelled that wrong.
• Oh damn, Kelly is going out with John Sears again.  Don't fall for it, Kelly!
• Hah, the Kappa Epsilon Gamma house.  KEG.  Clever.
• John Sears is screwing girls on the side while he's not sleeping with Kelly.  And making fun of Steve for being loyal to Celeste.
• They turn it into a pledge thing to force Steve to cheat on Celeste.
• Oooh, Jim's asking for Dylan's help with Brenda.  Thought you'd never see the day, huh?
• Jim teams up with Dylan to stop Brenda!  I like this team.
• Look, it's the mute child, Erin Silver.
• Mel left Erin with David and Donna so he could go to Cabo with his girlfriend.  That's so funny - that was referenced in the last episode I watched.  So now Jackie's OMGOMG FORESHADOWING, JACKIE JUST SAID, "REMEMBER, BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER."  THAT WAS THE TITLE OF THE LAST EPISODE I DID!!  Haha, sorry.  But so now Jackie's seeking joint custody.
• David's been subpoenaed to give a deposition against Mel.  Donna doesn't know what a deposition is.
• Brenda has a ghetto car - gold Ford station wagon.
• Brenda witnesses Stuart getting totally handed his ass on a plate by one of the workers at his "job." (His dad's construction company.)
• David's dad wants David to lie about the trip to Cabo.
• The pressure's on, David.
• Brandon's tutoring a black kid under the tutelage himself of Professor Randall, the husband of Lucinda.
• Ha!  Professor Randall encourages Brandon to "score, and score often."
• Oh god, it's Laura, she is such a freak.  Steve walks into a dance studio and watches her dance.  She is a freak.  I like Steve, but he shouldn't cheat on Celeste!
• Kelly defends Brenda's relationship with Stuart against Dylan.  I guess Kelly's jealous that Dylan cares.
• Stuart whisks Brenda away to the Beverly Hilton.  He rents her a hotel room for a month.
• Brenda finds the pre-nup.  Whoops.  Brenda throws one of her legendary fits and storms off.
• Andrea is missing, apparently.  YAY!
• Brenda talks to Brandon about the prenup.
• Apparently Brandon gets his jollies stealing street signs, as evidenced by the STOP sign in his bedroom.
• Kelly refers to her mother as "Jackie."
• Divorce is hard on the kids.  Kelly and David are fighting.
• Ahh, Brandon's helping Lucinda cook dinner.  Soo sexy.
• She is a, er, sensual woman.
• Ha!  She just told Brandon she's married.  He's beside himself.  But not concerned enough to stop getting it on with her.
• Dylan reads poetry at a student poetry reading Brenda attends.  How poetic.  Badumching!
• Now he's gonna work his magic on Brenda.
• Steve, you cheating dog.
• Frat houses are so disgusting.
• Sears is cheating on Kelly again.
• Dylan says he knows Brenda better than anybody.  Then he tries to lure her out of her engagement by telling her she'll never have another chance with him.  Then she figures out that Jim put Dylan up to this.  She's off and convinced, she's gonna sign the prenup and she's gonna run.
• Oh damn, Brandon finds out Lucinda's married to his prof.  And he can't go through with it even though she can.  Older women are so mature and sexual.
• Hahahaha...Brenda's going apeshit at her parents.  I love it.  LOVE IT!
• Brenda's running out!  I should make my dad watch this, then maybe he won't think I'm such a terror.
• Oh damn, Brenda's signing the prenup.  
• Sears is such a slimy manwhore.
• David's deposition, blah blah blah.  Oh shit, he sells out his dad to Jackie's attorney.
• Brandon can't face Professor Randall.  Lucinda told him they met!  She wants Brandon to join them for dinner.
• That is one snug denim skort, Brenda.
• Brenda has rationalized the prenup.  Oh well, whatever gets you through the night.
• David really goes off on Kelly.  He's kind of got an asshole streak to him.
• I still can't believe Donna's living with her boyfriend but not sleeping with him.  Keep telling yourself that, Aaron Spelling.

More to come!

4.17: "Thicker Than Water" aka "What Comes Around, Goes Around, Andrea"

Oh man, this is an excellent episode.  I finally have some time to recommence my explication of the poetry of Darren Starr now that I'm settled into a new apartment and still have to recover from surgery.  I don't have cable installed yet, so you know what that means...endless 90210 episodes!

So back to "Thicker Than Water."  So much crazy goodness happens in this episode it's insane.  David's meth addiction has major consequences when he loses Mel & Jackie's daughter Erin (who is admittedly a little short bus-esque), which is just all kinds of crazy.  Number one, meth addiction?  I know it was so apropos for 1994, but meth is so backwoods trashy.  Come on, David, don't you know that coke is the drug of the 90210?  Hello Jackie Taylor?  Anyway, the most unsettling thing about Erin's disappearance is that nobody seems all too concerned as they kick it at the police station "waiting for her to resurface."

Then Donna meets some ski instructor in Big Bear who REALLY reminds me of a child molester, Brandon is 18 going on 57 as usual, oh, and Dylan "bonds" with his frizzy-haired possible sister (that whole situation reeks of inappropriate.  No self-respecting 18 year old former alcoholic gives a shit about a potential half sister.  But then again, it is Dylan McKay, so...), and then, the bomb is dropped at the end: Andrea's preg.  SNAP!

"THICKER THAN WATER" - Original Airdate: January 12, 1994

While David's drug problem escalates, Donna meets a handsome ski instructor.  Dylan learns that Suzanne has a substantial bank account.  Andrea finds out that she is pregnant.

• You know, the James Dean impulse in Dylan is something that I'm still struggling to comprehend.  It does not represent a certain archetypical 90210 teen; it does not represent even a certain archetypical Angeleno.  I guess the point they're trying to push is "bad boy with a credit card," but the experiment in character development definitely has failed.  I guess it's revealed in the pilot when Dylan goes off talking about William Blake or whoever he talks about. 
• Oh, so David's wearing one of those uber-hip 90s backwards newsboy caps, paired with a flannel jacket thing.
• David's station manager rips him a new one for complaining about his depressing, drug-addled life on air.  He has the graveyard radio show shift, as freshmen in college usually do.  I just...aiyaiyai.  This is so early 90s.
• I mean meth, really, METH?!?!?  Who in their right mind outside of those living in trailer parks decide that DOING METH is a good idea???  Coke, okay, I can see that, you're in LA, it's everywhere.  Pot, naturally.  Even E I can understand as a moment of fleeting curiosity.  But METH????
• Kelly's bathrobe is rather unbecoming and ratty housewife as opposed to chic Beverly Hills coed.
• Donna's ski boots are custom-made.  Of course they are.
• Also, she's retarded. David breaks up with her and is a little punk-ass bitch at every corner, and she still wants to bring him to her parents' ski cabin in Big Bear.
• Hmmm, Saddam Hussein gets a shout-out.  So weird when this show tries to make a connection to the outside world.  We don't believe you don't exist in a vacuum.
• Ooooh, the real reason David's pissed: Donna won't give it up.
• "Oh, so this is what it's all about, sex.  Well it just so happens, David, there's more to life than sex!"  "And how would you know?"  HAHAHAHA.  It's delivered with the perfect amount of arrogance and grace, too.  Well done, Brian Austin Green.
• At least Donna is strong enough to stand up for herself and not be pressured into having sex before she wants to.  If we could all only be so lucky.
• Cindy Walsh, naturally, packs them coolers full of snacks for the gang to take on their road trip.
• HAHAHA, Steve just made fun of Jim Walsh's hairy chest: "Fred Segal hair shirt, circa 1992?  Nice."  
• I love Brenda.  She snaps Donna out of it FAST.
• Yeah, Bren, fun is the best revenge.
• What time of year is this?  Oh yeah, January.  God bless Southern California weather.
• Jim Walsh checked up on Dylan's "sister's" mom - she's taking him for a ride, natch.  Dylan is such a sucker.
• Oh, this is so weird.  Dylan wants to teach Erica, his half-"sister," how to surf.  It's revealed that she can't swim.  She also read The Old Man and the Sea.  
• Dylan also apparently has friends outside of the gang, as revealed when he chats with a pretty sexy surfer dude.
• Jackie and Mel drama.  David's baby-sitting Erin today for Mel, and David is also a total bitch.  And has more flannel.
• Kelly totally calls David out on the drugs.  He goes ape-shit, obvi, but he doesn't admit to anything.  Drug addicts really do suck.  DON'T DO DRUGS, stick to pot.
• The Pacific is never warm enough on the West Coast to make it worthwhile to swim in, in my opinion.
• Erica can't swim blah blah blah.
• And Mel is teaching his short bus daughter how to brush her teeth.  Why isn't he taking care of his daughter on his weekend?  Jackie's going to have a conniption fit.  Especially when his crack head son loses her.
• David steals "codeine sulfate" from Mel's dentist's office.  WHat are they doing there on a Saturday?  Also, these pills look suspiciously like baby Tylenol.  That stuff tastes amazing.  The little pink chewables?  Love that shit.
• Donna's custom-made ski boots are giving her hell.  This makes me sad.  I can't ski ever again now that I've had my spinal fusion surgery, lest I break any more bones or loosen any hardware.  :-(  I guess that means I'll be explicating 90210 all Christmas break!
• OMG, the ski boot salesman who helps Donna looks like a poor man's Eric Stoltz who also happens to be a registered sex offender.
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1.  She's going all pre-med on the campus health clinic doctor, which doesn't even make sense.  I have a friend who's in med school and the first year is all memorization of body parts, not terminology and how to self-diagnose.  I can't stand this ho.
• Oooh, she thinks she has AIDS.  Scary times.  Little does she know...
• Dylan takes Erica to a public pool of some sort to teach her how to swim.  Also, there are bizarre camera angles that are rather reminiscent of the work of a Lifetime Original Movie cinematographer.  Also, on the public pool: I don't know of any in LA.  Seriously.  I don't.
• Short bus Erin likes to wander off to strange old ladies who want to give her cookies.  David has this really horrendous Vanilla Ice-ish earring.  He swears his bad times are over.  And David and Kelly allow Erin to run off to the ice cream man.  Doesn't Kelly know ice cream men are all drug dealing child molesters?!
• Jennie Garth is so cute.  She's got the whole Liz Phair-early 90s schtick going on.
• OMG, I SO would have coveted Donna's ski jacket in 1994, when I was in 4th grade in Buffalo, New York (and Ridgefield, Connecticut).  It's a purple-cerulean feast for the eyes.
• They're all flipping their shit about the cold.  I've never been to Big Bear, but I think it's only a few hours outside of LA, I can't imagine it's that cold of a mountain...
• Tori Spelling is just so painfully stupid.  Either that or she's a REALLY bad actress.
• Ha! David's codeine sulfate knocked him out and he's sleeping on a park bench when Kelly shows up again.  What a junkie.  Nobody's seen Erin.  The ice cream man took her, I'm telling you.
• They're not really acting all that hysterical, wouldn't you scream and call 911 immediately?
• You don't understand how a little girl could have gone so far in such a short amount of time?  It's called kidnapping, Kelly.  Child molesters.  Sex offenders.  WELCOME TO THE 90s, BITCH.
• They're all so disturbingly calm.
• The Jimmy Smits-like cop thinks Jackie kidnapped Erin.  Where do they find these actors? 1-800-Rent-A-Waiter?
• Why are they not more furious with David for FALLING ASLEEP whilst baby-sitting his sister?  They're so blase about it.  My parents would have kicked my ass  if I had fallen asleep while baby-sitting and LOST one of their children.
• Oh, god, make it go away.  Erica has her period at the pool and has to tell Dylan.  So Dylan's in the girl's locker room trying to talk to her and some woman comes in and yells at him and he's all, "Lady, you do whatever you gotta do, I'm not leavin'."  He's so dreamy.
• I HATE PERIODS AND ALL ASSOCIATED TALK.  My shrink says this is because deep down I hate myself for not having been born a boy and having a period is the ultimate expression of femininity.  Perhaps.
• Of course Dylan takes her to Cindy Walsh.  The Florence Henderson of the 90210.
• Brenda's rather background in this episode.  I guess this is the beginning of the end of Shannen Doherty's career on the show.
• Donna's staying behind in the ski lodge to hang out with Chester the Molester.
• Jim breaks the news to Dylan that Suzanne (Erica's mom, one-time love of Jack McKay) is a lying, conniving whore.
• Dylan doesn't care.  He has a sister.  Awwww.
• Jackie Taylor is the only one who acts appropriately to the missing child situation.  Way to stretch your acting wings.  
• This is an EXCELLENT hysterical fit.
• They keep saying it's not David's fault.  Actually, it is.
• OMGOMGOMG.  Donna and Chester are sitting in a ski lodge on a couch in front of a fire and - oh god - smooth jazz is playing in the background.  This is sooo Danielle Steel movie-of-the-week.
• Donna realizes she loves David, not Chester.
• They're all just hanging out at the police station like this is no big deal.  Oh, and of course Erin just randomly shows up, she was hanging with an illegal housekeeper all day.  Those Taylor-Silvers are some lucky people.
• The whole reason Suzanne showed up on Dylan's door was because of a flood in their hometown in Iowa.  Um, there's a flood, you lose everything, so...you drive to Los Angeles to look up the son of a man who possibly was the father of your daughter and hope that he takes you in and gives you money?  REALLY intelligent plan.
• And now that she has $25,000 from an insurance settlement she...is good to go?  That is not that much money, even in early 90s terms.  Hello, technological boom?  Remember that?  Venture capital?  Silicon Valley?
• But Suzanne comes clean and Dylan falls for her story, hook, line, and sinker.
• David tells Kelly about his drug problem.  And she's really nice to him about it.  I guess that's the way you have to handle it, but HE JUST LOST THEIR SISTER for Pete's sake.  Kelly pledges her support to David in his battle against methamphetamines.
• Uh, yes, Andrea, waiting for the results of an HIV test can play nasty tricks with your mind.
• ANDREA'S PREGNANT!  Why are they friends with this girl?!  I'm glad her storyline is also completely disconnected from the rest of the gang.  That's what she gets for being 45.

Yay!  This is a great season.

1.--: "B.Y.O.B." aka "Once Again Brandon Can't Handle Substances"

So now that I've quit my soul-sucking job in preparation for major surgery, I have plenty of time on my hands to dive deep into the murky waters of the 90210.  

Here it is, nestled comfortably into the middle of Season One, brought to you by Spelling Entertainment: the Alcohol Social Message Episode.  So Brandon's "shady past" comes out in this episode when Jim and Cindy go to Palm Springs, ostensibly for a work thing for Jim, but really because they just want to have hot middle-aged sex for two days.  Ew.  The Walsh's conservative "Just say no" attitude about drinking leaves Brenda pissed and Brandon, of course, the well-behaved forty-seven year old son he is.  Brenda throws a party, it gets out of hand - obviously - and yaddah yaddah yaddah, Brandon wrecks Mondale, his car.

From the case:

"B.Y.O.B" - Original Airdate: January 10, 1991

Both Walsh twins face the temptation to drink alcohol when their peers are doing it all around them.  The issue comes to a head when their parents leave town, and Brenda and Brandon throw a party that quickly gets out of hand.

• Donna announces a hot last-minute party in the hallways of West Bev wearing a Peter Pan collar and a crocheted sweater.  
• There are many things wrong with Brenda in this scene.  Her hair looks like it was styled by an 89 year old vet whose eyes were injured by mustard gas and whose hands have been shaky since the trenches.  It's like they tried to style her hair the way my dad does his hair, only they came out looking way worse.  Then, she's wearing some sort of...crocheted...SOMETHING...it's white...is it made out of...paper?  Also, I guess natural brows were in?
• Yeah, it's like a paper blazer.  Hmmm.  Did she get that at Ross?
• Hotels turn Jim Walsh on.  That's pretty new money.
• They're talking about Palm Springs as though it's El Dorado.
• Damn, here comes Andrea.  Tickets to the "Music Center?"  Then she calls them theatre tickets.  Then she says she'll stop by.  WHY IS BRANDON FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?!
• Brandon's wearing a tie, and Brenda is wearing an oversized olive-colored blazer.  Her hair looks LIKE SHIT.
• In no time, there are over 100 people, some of whom have large Peter Pan style collars on their puce-colored jumpers.
• Oooh, now Brenda's all high and mighty about drinking.  Loosen up, freakshow.
• But now Brandon's old self is back, doing shots on the staircase.  You rebel you.
• Uh-oh, Cindy's checking in on them...
• Jason Priestly is a dream boat.  And he's hella hot when he acts like a drunken buffoon.
• Oh shit, the pigs have arrived.
• Dylan, the wise old man, knows how to handle the police.
• Actually, Brenda's blazer is multi-tonal.
• Just a noise complaint.  Phew.  In the clear.
• Steve's making a drink with Hawaiian Punch and "Vitamins A, B, C, and T."  "T?" "Tequila!"  What are A, B, and C?  Absinthe, Bourbon, and...and...
• Andrea's here.  Now the party can really start.
• EW OMG JIM HAS A SWEATER OF CHEST HAIR.  The southern couple are joining Jim and Cindy in the hot tub, and they're nudists.

3.10: "Home and Away" aka "It's the Third Season and We Haven't Done an Episode on Racism Yet"

So this episode was bound to happen sooner or later.  Frankly, I'm surprised it took them three seasons before tackling the ever-present sensitive issue of race; for heaven's sake, they did an episode on gun safety in Season 2, it seems like racism would be more heavy.  This episode is narrated by Brandon, who's writing what is sure to be an award-winning article for The Blaze about a canceled football game between West Bev and Shaw, a high school that is presumably in Compton or some other "bad part of town."  This is a problem right here.  There is no-way-in-hell that West Beverly High School would play any public schools ANYWHERE east of La Cienega; and CERTAINLY they would never play any LAUSD schools, which Shaw would have to be if it were in such a bad part of town that it has gang shootings at its football games.  Anyway, we'll get to that as we dive deeper into the depths of this issue.  Brandon, the noble populist, invites the black kids to West Beverly's dance to prove some sort of arcane point.  Oh and Brenda flips her shit because she's running the dance committee.

"HOME AND AWAY" - Original Airdate: October 07, 1992

A shooting at a rival high school raises concerns at West Beverly High.

• Okay.  First of all, this is the first time in their high school careers that they're going to a football game?
• So...yeah...West Beverly apparently sucks.  Maybe that's why nobody ever goes to the football games.
• Brenda wants to work on the dance committee because the money raised goes to some lower class public school.
• OMG, Sue Scanlon!  Scott's skanky disturbed sister!
• I forgot about Ted from Hey Dude!!!  He's secretly gay.  But apparently a star football player.
• Jim Walsh: "The gangs are at it again."  Are they, Jim?  Those darn gangs.
• Tony Miller says the token black kid shouldn't feel scared going down to Shaw (seriously.  There's only this one, nameless black kid at West Beverly.).
• The name of the dance is the "Pigskin Prom."
• Oh yeah, Kelly's dad says he's gonna come take Kelly to Spago.
• Brandon is wearing a Navajo-inspired button down shirt.
• Ahh, enter Jordan Bonner.  The Brandon Walsh of Shaw.
• Brandon is so worked up about a stupid football game.   "We gotta make this thing happen!"  Jordan tells him he doesn't know squat.
• They call a press conference to forfeit a high school football game?!
•  David lets Sue Scanlon go to the dance "with the band."
• Donna lets it slip that David only got the gig because she persuaded Brenda to hire him.
• No swear words, Brandon!  Why are they friends with Andrea?!
• Brandon and Jordan Bonner have something up their sleeves!
• Ahhh, what a ghetto computer!  So old school.
• Oooh, Kelly's going to Spago with her dad.
• Hahahaha...Dylan: People are still eating at Spago?
• Brandon wants to cancel the dance because the game was canceled.  The gang gets pissed at him.  Nikki says she'll stay in the "neutral zone."  See that use of gang terminology?
• Brandon goes down to Shaw.  I think it's in Watts?  He's commenting on the riot ruins.
• Jordan is wearing an African tribal print t-shirt.  How ethnic.
• Jordan Bonner is quite the Martin Luther King Jr., Jr.
• The kids who died during the shooting at the football game were Jordan's friends.  
• Brandon's going to write a eulogy for "the game.  For a way of life."  What way of life is that, Brandon?
• Jordan's article is too long, filled with swear words, and incendiary.
• Andrea keeps calling Brandon "Ace."
• Brandon invites Shaw to the dance.  Tsk tsk tsk...everyone's gonna be pissed at you.
• Even Jordan thinks Brandon shouldn't invite Shaw to the dance.
• Yep.  Everyone's pissed.
• Gil covered for Brandon.  Andrea's pissed because she was on the masthead before either Gil or Brandon came to the Blaze.
• Wait, Brandon, nobody around here gives a damn that two kids were shot at a football game?  I think that because the football game was canceled it means that they DO care, because they COULD always say they don't think it's good to play a football game in light of such tragic events.  I don't understand why Brandon's so riled up, honestly...you'd think they could come up with a better racism story line.
• Brenda actually believes that Kelly's dad is gonna show.  Oh honey.  Fathers are never present in Beverly Hills.
• David's crushed.  He's going to be missing the chance of a lifetime to perform in front of "2 A&R guys."  What are A&R guys??
• Brandon is practically calling Mrs. Teasly racist.  MRS. TEASLY IS BLACK.
• The top half of Brenda's dress is made of pantyhose.  White pantyhose.
• Kelly: "Brenda, you live in Walshland."  THAT IS AWESOME.
• Kelly's dress is hot.
• David has Vanilla Ice hair.
• Oooh, the ruffians from Shaw have been drinking and are gonna crash the dance.  You're in trouble now, Brandon.
• Um.  David is...rockin'.
• Hahahahaha...Sue Scanlon is hilarious.
• OMG, Brenda is wearing ankle boots and white push-down socks with her pantyhose dress.
• Yeah, Brandon, the security guards are "bozos" because they wouldn't let a black person in.
• How are they going to get metal detectors in the next five minutes?
• Poor disturbed Sue.
• Tony Miller is gonna fuck some shit up.
• Andrea's vest looks like it's made of upholstery.
• Kelly's father didn't show, so what does she do?  Heads to the Peach Pit.  Why isn't she slamming tequila like a normal person?
• Ah, last time this happened she escaped with some dude and got high for three days and her mom didn't even notice.  I wonder what kind of high she got.
• Oh, right...a dance without Kelly Taylor isn't a dance at all.
• Brenda's gonna be pissed that Dylan shows up with Kelly.
• Dylan, you're driving your Porsche straight into the war zone!
• Gil lets the roughneck black kids (who are, incidentally, dressed in African tribal patterns) into the dance.
• The treatment of the black kids is just appalling - they are portrayed as these tough, intimidating gangsters and the white kids are just these weak little pussies.  This is so uncomfortable and heavy-handed.
• The two West Bev guys get into a fight with each other.  That's, um, something.
• Nikki's gonna save the night with the art of dance.
• David looks like Jack on Will and Grace when he dances.
• Oh, of course, since they're from the hood they automatically know how to work turntables.
• And freestyle rap.
• And teach the white kids how to dance.
• See, we can all share cultures!
• And now they're all performing a choreographed dance.  AS A GROUP.
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?!  She's dancing like the forty year old she is.  Eugh.
• Now, like, En Vogue is playing.
• Dylan, Kelly, and Brenda threesome dance.  Hot.
• Of course Jordan Bonner's dead friends would have liked Brandon.
• Brandon's going to organize the football game now.  He's such a mini-adult.

That was so, so, so uncomfortable.  And really half-assed.

2.26: "Things to Do on a Rainy Day" aka "Felice Martin Is a Hypocritical Skank"

Okay. So this episode is pretty class. COLOR ME BADD makes a cameo. Color Me Badd. Seriously. I mean…seriously. There are no words. Actually, there are many, but I will get to them later. It’s raining in LA. (It actually is a legitimate plot device, because it rains like once a year in LA.) The guys - at the insistence of Steve - hires a stripper. Andrea, as usual, ruins everything. David and the girls go off in search of Color Me Badd at the Bel-Age Hotel. (Which, I would just like to point out, is sooooo not hip anymore. In fact, it’s actually pretty ghetto. I think I could probably afford a weekend there, actually. I should look into it. It would make this blog super-exciting.) Donna finds out her mom is having an affair. They end up meeting Color Me Badd. I guess it was cool in 92, but, I mean, seriously? Wasn’t this the era NKOTB (New Kids On the Block for you laymen out there) reigned supreme?

Back of the box:

“THINGS TO DO ON A RAINY DAY” - Original Airdate: April 23, 1992
The gang heads to the Bel Age Hotel to meet Color Me Badd - and Donna makes an unexpected discovery.

• Ah, Dylan’s Wayfarers. I will never get over how sexy he is.
  
• There are so, so, so many things wrong with this opening number. It’s one of Color Me Badd’s music videos. It just goes to show how much things have changed in the past 15 years. There is no way, no how, in any universe, would these…boys? guys? people? become famous today. They are so sublimely unattractive and talentless.
  
• No, Donna, this is not the “greatest video in the history of videos.”
  
• Donna has been listening to them since before anyone had ever heard of them. That is not something to be proud of, Ms. Martin.
  
• David claims that because he’s a “DJ” he can get free tickets to the concert at the Whiskey A-Go-Go. I guess that proves how cool they are, they can only fill up a small venue like the Whiskey.
  
• The girls frantically try to get tickets on the radio. Felice Martin is a super bitch, as usual, and totally harshes their buzz by telling them it’s seedy to hang out on the Sunset Strip.
  
• Kelly is growing on me. Particularly because she hates Color Me Badd.
  
• Jim and Cindy are going to a Shaker furniture lecture or some shit like that. Who does that?
  
• Steve wants to take a road trip. Seriously? In the rain? In SoCal? Is he mental?
  
• Steve is so gung-ho about getting a stripper.
  
• “Steve, what is the big deal, it’s a naked lady, have you never seen one?” Dylan. I love you.
  
• Steve actually calls the stripper. Don’t you have to be 18 to engage in the sex trade?
  
• The chicas are doing their nails. I have never enjoyed doing my nails. I can’t do anything with my left hand, so I always end up stopping after I paint my left hand and my right hand stays empty.
  
• Donna actually thinks David has an in. Lucky for her, he does.
  
• Ahhh, pre-paparazzi days. I know they sucked, but Color Me Badd WAS pretty big back in the day. I like how there were zero photogs and tons of fans at the hotel, though. Poor celebrities.
  
• The Sherman Oaks Galleria? Ghett-o.
  
• Ah, Good Ol’ Boy Brandon feels guilty about inviting a stripper over. I wonder if my 16 year old brother has ever done this while my parents were out of town. I guess that’s why they don’t leave him alone ever.
  
• Of COURSE Andrea shows up before the stripper and invites herself to hang out. What a bitch. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2.
  
• Mad props to David for actually getting them into the hotel.
  
• Uh-oh. They meet Felice Martin in the hotel. Don’t know if it’s more awkward for Felice, who was supposed to be at a charity thing, or for the gang, who is not supposed to be in a hotel.
  
• That Felice, she’s up to no good.
  
• The guys have to do a quick cover-up and pretend the stripper, Brandi, is Cindy’s niece.
  
• I just googled the Bel Age Hotel. It’s being turned into some chi-chi place called The London. Sad.
  
• David knows Color Me Badd’s manager because his dad is his dentist.
  
• Donna feels bad about lying to her mother.
  
• They do this whole stake out thing in the lobby. It’s all very smooth. Obviously.
  
• Right. David knows how to talk to famous musicians.
  
• HA! David gets himself and Brenda stuck in a stairwell. And then locked outside in the rain.
  
• Oh shit. Donna catches her mom hooking up with some cheesey dude. Also, I would just like to say that Donna is wearing a red leather jacket and a stretch black and red diamond miniskirt.
  
• Andrea is bonding with the stripper, who is getting a Masters in Social Work and has a five year old child. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2.
  
• Kelly finds her way to the band’s floor when Donna chickens out. Kelly also meets Brian Abrams of Color Me Badd. He’s wearing enormous earrings. And he’s oh so down to earth. And, naturally, digs Kelly. Also, he has a sleazy Chester the Molester mustache.
  
• I really don’t know how to express how ugly these guys are. It’s really bad.
  
• They can’t go to a mall anymore without getting mobbed. I bet they miss those days.
  
• Donna tells David and Brenda that her mother is having an affair, and they don’t really seem to care.
  
• Uhhh, the stripper was in the Peace Corps? That is…so realistic.
  
• Also, she’s married.
  
• Andrea wants to hang out with the stripper again. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #3.
  
• Err, the stripper’s song is “I Wanna Sex You Up” by Color Me Badd. I love the shitty boy band motif.
  
• Ha! The stripper came with her own boom box.
  
• Jim and Cindy catch the dudes with the stripper. Luckily Brandon had already told her to keep her knickers on.
  
• David suggests that Donna’s parents have an open marriage. How progressive. 
  
• They decide not to go to the concert where Kelly got them FRONT ROW TICKETS because Donna caught her mom having an affair? Wouldn’t that be even MORE of a reason you’d want to go to the concert???
  
• Cindy: “All’s fair in love and puzzles.” No words.
  
• For having a mother as strict as Felice, Donna is allowed to dress pretty sluttily.
  
• Tori Spelling really gets to stretch her acting wings in this scene with her mother. Way to channel your inner rage, Tori.
  
• Wise words from Cindy Walsh. She has a real heart to heart with Donna and tells her about her almost affair. Maybe I should do that episode next. I bet it’s a good one.
  
• Jim: “We really are square, aren’t we?” Hello, Captain Obvious.
  
• When you’re having an affair, do you really go to high traffic hotels for your trysts? Especially when you know your daughter’s friends (Dylan) hang out there? Well, I suppose Felice may not be privy to the information that Donna associates with Dylan McKay.
  
• Donna: “I never knew what it was like to have problems.” Really? Your learning disability wasn’t a problem? The fact that they told you you would never get into college wasn’t a problem? Really?
  
• Brandon, oh so cool, tells Color Me Badd that they have to sing for their meal. They serenade Donna while singing a cappella. Color me awkward.

Well, it’s safe to say that 90210 started the whole musicians-on-hip-TV-shows trend. Take that, OC!

1.23: "Home Again" aka "Surprise! Brenda's Preggers!"

Okay. It’s the end of the school year, and ol’ Jimbo finds out he’s getting a promotion - if they move back to Minnesota. Naturally, everyone goes apeshit. And there’s a MEGA-cliffhanger at the end. Like, the first of its kind. I won’t ruin it here, though. And Steve gets in more trouble and some whatever like that. Oh yeah. And the gang throws them a huge going away party at the Peach Pit with all these randoms from West Bev, and it convinces the old man to let them stay in the 90210.

From the back of the box:

“HOME AGAIN” - Original Airdate: May 09, 1991
Moving back to Minnesota makes sense for Brenda and Brandon’s dad, but for them it’s a wrench thrown into their new lives. As the family gets ready to move back, friends and family make their feelings known and affect the decision to go back.

• Directed by Charles Braverman! Woohoo, another one!
  
• Okay, Steve is getting into a pretty crazy fight.
  
• Predictably, Brandon steps in to save him. Steve has a weird cut on his lip.
  
• How valiant, you beat him up because he talked shit about your mom.
  
• Ahh, excellent use of foreshadowing, Darren Starr. And perhaps irony, too.
  
• I hate storylines with Jim and Cindy. This scene is so Melrose Place wannabe. 
  
• Brandon says “sill-ANT-ro,” not “cil-ahn-tro.”
  
• Of course Brandon eavesdrops on his parents’ conversation wherein Jim breaks the news to Cindy that he may be getting fired.
  
• Brenda and Brandon make this big huge-ass deal about their dad potentially getting fired. But now, come to think of it, whenever I was a little kid and heard whispers of people getting fired, I thought, “Such shame,” and assumed they were humiliated and, like Brenda says, have their houses repossessed. Now, it’s like, I lose/leave jobs all the time, and most people I know have, too. Ain’t no thang. Just goes to show how stupid kids are…or something.
  
• Of course they get introspective and think about how good they’ve had it lately.
  
• Such bawdy locker room talk, there, Mr. President. ”Walsh…let’s cut to the chase.”
  
• Oooh, joke about Kelly’s nose job.
  
• Cindy has a garden? WTF? They have no land. They couldn’t possibly have a garden.
  
• Here it comes. The bomb is dropping, people.
  
• Brandon’s plan is for him to get two part time jobs to chip in. 
  
• He’s been promoted. Brandon gives him a big hug and says “Way to get the job done, big guy!” and it’s super-awkward.
  
• The Walsh peeps are not having any of this Minneapolis bs.
  
• My dad always said we’d get to vote on whether or not we moved again, but we never did.
  
• Daaaaamn, Cindy, you came through in the clutch! No Minneapolis for them.
  
• Aha, he is offered twice his salary. He’s in. Those bitches are moving.
  
• Uh, Cindy says “That SOB!” Awkward.
  
• Obviously, Brandon is sad about leaving Nat, and Brenda is sad about leaving Dylan.
  
• Everything is NOT gonna be just fine, Cindy!
  
• They were LEASING that house?!?! They couldn’t afford to buy one and have a mortgage like normal people? Sketch-y.
  
• Brandon, making a pros/cons list only works if you’re MAKING A DECISION. Your father MADE THE DECISION FOR YOU.
  
• God I love Brenda. So melodramatic with those dark sunglasses.
  
• Aw, the gang offers Brenda and Brandon their places to stay through the summer. Brandon turns Steve down because he “needs to be with his family” now. Uh, you’re a loser.
  
• OH SHIT! How did I forget this?!?!?! Andrea THROWS HERSELF AT BRANDON and offers to have sex with him before he leaves. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1.
  
• HAHAHA Brenda flips when Brandon tells her.
  
• Why shouldn’t the family split up? WTF are they talking about? My parents would have been thrilled to have me stay with friends for an entire summer.
  
• STOP CALLING YOUR FATHER “BIG GUY,” BRANDON.
  
• This is so the high school where She’s All That was filmed.
  
• Steve is really cheesed off at Brandon for not staying with him and leaving.
  
• Ah, now that they’ve had sex, Brenda feels free to make all of the sexual innuendos she wants.
  
• Kelly’s mom says Brenda can’t stay with them for the summer. What a bitch, Jackie. You and your stupid addiction recovery.
  
• Why doesn’t Donna offer her house?
  
• Brenda acknowledges that she’s pretty much a jealous bi-otch.
  
• Brandon is going “to give up a friend.” What does that mean? Since he’s going to do Andrea Zuckerman, he’s not allowed to be friends with her anymore?
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2. She is wearing this weird poufy headband. It’s like blue splatter paint. And mom jeans and a peasant-y type blouse that looks like something your elementary school teacher would wear.
  
• She tells Brandon she’s wants to have sex for the first time with him. Awkward.
  
• Suddenly Brenda and Brandon take walks on the beach.
  
• No, guys, Andrea is not pretty.
  
• Oooh, Brenda reveals to Brandon she’s having sex with Dylan, and he’s pissed. But it’s only been going on for three weeks. So that’s how long it is between episodes.
  
• Jimbo’s new job is crazy busy. This office is a pathetic shade of pink. PINK?! That’s not ruthless and business-like.
  
• Question: why would the better job be in Minneapolis versus Los Angeles? That…doesn’t make much sense to me.
  
• He has this old old lady as his secretary. That’s so old school. I’m an assistant. Everyone I know is an assistant. And I’m barely 24.
  
• I love it when Dylan talks Shakespeare.
  
• Dylan is SO effing hot. He suggests running away with Brenda. That’s totally what I would do.
  
• Haha, Andrea chickens out and tells Brandon she didn’t mean it. But then he tells her he accepts her gift. And they kiss, and it’s awkward. Awkward is the best adjective for this episode.
  
• Andrea, you look like a turtle.
  
• Sex jokes, sex jokes everywhere.
  
• Poor Jason Priestley, he had to make out with a 40 year old.
  
• Suddenly Cindy is obsessed with farmer’s markets.
  
• Andrea doesn’t have time till Sunday to have sex with Brandon. And then they have nowhere to go. So Brandon suggests the Peach Pit after dark. Which, coincidentally, is the name of the night club they open behind to the Peach Pit.
  
• Steve is a baby.
  
• Dylan’s crooning, Brenda, we are so good together, and Brenda breaks up with him. And she’s mean about it. She’s my favorite kind of mental.
  
• Yeah, kids really are little shits when it comes to people moving.
  
• I love how Brenda bitches about moving back to Minneapolis. Reminds me of this girl we’re family friends with.
  
• Jim’s starting to maybe think twice about this new job of his.
  
• Aww, Cindy commiserates with Brenda about long distance relationships.
  
• Brandon has a creepy sex fantasy about Andrea.
  
• Cindy is wearing an awkward baseball cap.
  
• Uhhh, and she also says that Nat is “in a tizzy.”
  
• They trick Brenda and Brandon into going to the Peach Pit. Except Andrea didn’t plan the party, she just thought she and Brandon were gonna make sweet sweet love in there. Sucks for you.
  
• They do these weird goodbye camcorder interviews.
  
• That Nat, such a jokester.
  
• Hahahaha, Steve is clearly the best character.
  
• Cheese central.
  
• Blah blah blah, all the friends’ messages convince Jimbo to let them stay in the 90210.
  
• Whoa I just chugged a Diet Cherry Coke really fast. My stomach hurts.
  
• Dylan is dead sexy. He looks into the camera and says, “I don’t do cameras,” and walks away. Just like River Phoenix.
  
• Weird, Dylan still has that insane earring.
  
• Hah - some PA misspelled “Walshes” on the sign on the back wall.
  
• “Home is where the heart is. Not where the highest paycheck is.” Wise words, Jim, wise words.
  
• Lots of fist-pumping action.
  
• Friendship does rear its ugly head, Andrea.
  
• AHHH, BRENDA’S LATE!! IS SHE PREGNANT?? IS SHE NOT?! We’ll have to wait till next season to find out… 
  

3.27 "A Night to Remember" aka "Donna Martin Re-enacts My Senior Cotillion"

Okay, so this is the mega-episode when Donna gets drunk at prom and nearly gets forbidden to graduate. (All together now: “DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!”) So…yeah. Prom is super-stressful for everyone. Brenda and Brandon don’t have dates, Steve is taking his odd game show girlfriend Celeste, Kelly and Dylan and their dysfunctional (are they even having regular sex?) relationship are, I suppose, going together, Donna and David obvi are together (and David has already booked a room at the Bel-Age, the height of cool), and Andrea the Cool Girl is taking her black-soon-to-be-Yalie boyfriend Jordan Bonner. Anyway, some goon named Tony ends up taking Brenda, Brandon ends up taking Andrea, and a woman I’ve never heard of named Cathy Dennis is the musical entertainment for the prom. Before I commence the firing squad, I would just like to say that this show has been my best friend in my recent times of sadness and need. That is all.

“A NIGHT TO REMEMBER” - Original Airdate: April 28, 1993
It’s Prom night at West Beverly and expectations are high; David plans to spend the night with Donna in a hotel, until she becomes very drunk.

• There’s this bizarre opening sequence of people dancing in, like, the 40s. This is supposedly vintage West Bev, with jazz music and everything. What were these producers thinking?
  
• Chokers, chokers galore!
  
• Oh yeah…Donna has a learning disorder…she never thought she would graduate.
  
• They got Cathy Dennis to play at prom? Who the eff is Cathy Dennis? I must have missed that lecture in 90s Femme Rock 101.
  
• Brandon wants to play poker on prom night. Brandon, don’t you have a gambling problem?
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. Why does Steve want Brandon to ask Andrea? WHY?!?!
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2. Why does Andrea want to cover the school board meeting in the school paper? There were never any lame-ass articles like that in my school paper. Granted, I went to a private school and our school paper sucked (though supposedly won awards), but this sounds retarded.
  
• Oh, Mel Silver is so hip. He’s throwing a pre-prom party in his condo. In my day this was called pre-gaming, and this was held on a party bus with nobody over the age of 18.
  
• David ASSUMES Donna is going to fuck him on prom night. David, why, with that hair, would you assume that ANYONE would fuck you?
  
• Kelly and Dylan are sharing strawberries. Oh Spelling Entertainment, you are so terminally hip. I mean, are Beverly Hills teenagers really like this? I so want to return to high school and live in 90210.
  
• Kelly and Dylan also are going to San Francisco the weekend of prom. All I have to say is that my boyfriend and I were supposed to go to San Francisco for Thanksgiving and he broke up with me in October. Just saying.
  
• Why are Jim and Cindy featured in storylines? I feel nothing but uncomfortable when Cindy is paging through her yearbook, reminiscing about her prom.
  
• And also, Brandon doesn’t help when he comes in and schmoozes with his ‘rents. This is way too Leave It to Beaver.
  
• Yeah, Jim, people who smoke pot enter into psychosis and hallucinate in men’s restrooms. Happens to me all the time.
  
• WHAT is so bad with taking your sister to the prom, BRANDON?
  
• Yeah…Andrea shows up at the school board meeting. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #3. Why is she there? Why does she care? She makes this big fuss about the dress code law being passed because it wasn’t on the agenda and they “were trying to pull [something] here.” Shut up, you vest-blazer-wearing bitch.
  
• Felice Martin makes her sophomore appearance on the show. That skank is about to become a regular player on the 90210 block. You can bet Jim and Cindy won’t take kindly to her.
  
• Andrea tries and fails to stop the dress code law being passed.
  
• Mega anti-drinking rules for prom. Um, why are they pissed about this? Shouldn’t this be expected? Isn’t this, like, the federal law? Drinking age 21, anyone?
  
• Brandon gets overlooked for Jordan Bonner. Damn equal opportunity.
  
• Felice Martin’s tailor hasn’t seen a waist as small as Donna’s since Vivian Leigh. That’s sick. Tori Spelling is sick thin. And what’s even sicker is that she DOESN’T look anorexic, just sick and small and thin. Sick. And gross.
  
• Felice Martin: This is prom night. I want you to go out and have a wonderful time! WHY DOES EVERYBODY CARE ABOUT PROM? I didn’t go to prom, for the record. Senior Cotillion, that’s another story.
  
• Tony the Blonde Freak tells Brandon he’s gonna ask Brenda to the prom. Brandon, obviously, is shocked.
  
• Brenda doesn’t need much convincing. I’m sure she was just looking for any date - she just wanted to have fun.
  
• Donna’s gonna have sex with David. 
  
• Oh yeah…Gil Myers tooks a chance on Dylan and let him into AP English the last 2 months of the school year. Why does this make a difference? You have to apply to college by January. 
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #4. Andrea, we do not believe that you actually are concerned for the people who will be drinking at prom.
  
• Brenda has a hot dress.
  
• Kelly has a cool mom.
  
• Donna is sick skinny. 
  
• And Felice Martin is a freak. Who wants to wear a Celtic cross with their prom dress?
  
• Oh, I totally know where on Doheny David’s dad’s condo is supposed to be.
  
• Donna has like half a glass of champagne. That’s like two sips.
  
• Brandon gets to go with Andrea because Jordan Bonner is sick. Surprise surprise.
  
• Nat went to Fairfax High! So did Anthony Kiedis, the love of my life!
  
• Yeah, Steve’s weird girlfriend Celeste. That’s all I have to say.
  
• WHY IS EVERYBODY SO CAUTIOUS ABOUT DRINKING?! Man, I miss the days of moralistic teen soaps.
  
• Uhhh…ummm…I love you, Bren, but…you look like Cher. Why is your hair so curly?
  
• Donna has a glass of champagne. This brings her total on screen to 1.5.
  
• Mel, you photographer, you.
  
• Let’s hear it for the Class of ‘93, guys!
  
• Okay, Steve swipes a bottle. He also says to their limo driver, DRIVER!
  
• Okay, Donna is clearly stone cold sober right now in the limo.
  
• Yeah, they’re kind of making me wish I went to prom. KIND OF.
  
• Oh wow, David, what a scene.
  
• Brandon, you’re such a ham.
  
• The party favors: a disposable camera, a quarter for calling a cab in case you get drunk, and a condom from the math club.
  
• Donna is suddenly drunk. We saw her take one sip of champagne. WHICH IS NOT EVEN THAT ALCOHOLIC.
  
• Cathy Dennis…great…who the eff are you?
  
• Brenda is hung up on Kelly and Dylan. OBVI. Are you retarded, Tony?
  
• Suddenly three glasses of champagne over a few hours have caught up to Donna. Whoa, there, Nelly!
  
• Why is Celeste wearing a scarf like some kind of freak?
  
• TORI SPELLING. IS. SICK. THIN.
  
• Donna. You are not drunk. I’ve had a bottle of wine and two bowls tonight and I’m only sort of under the influence.
  
• Celeste is so big. She wants Steve to dance with Kelly, for old times’ sake. She’s such a swell girl.
  
• I wish I had relationships with guys in high school. Damn you, 90210, you’re the high school experience I never had.
  
• Oooh, Brenda and Dylan are dancing. Sigh. I miss them.
  
• Donna’s obviously been in the bathroom for two hours, and she is STILL absolutely wasted. This story line is soooo not believable.
  
• Errr, Gil dances with Mrs. Teasly. Uhh, I didn’t hear that.
  
• Tori does play a great drunk girl
  
• Tony Miller wanted to fuck Brenda!!!
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIEND WITH ANDREA?! Moment #5. She pretends to be Priscilla Presley. I want to vomit.
  
• Oh damn, this is when Brandon and Andrea almost have sex. Oh shit. ANDREA IS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTS IT. 
  
• Seriously though, Tori Spelling is a great drunk girl. But why don’t they take her straight up to the room David booked? They take her to the limo, that’s really stupid.
  
• Damn. Donna falls down right in front of Mrs. T. Who suddenly turns into a super bitch.
  
• Although really, Donna should not be drunk AT ALL.
  

To be continued…

3.5 "Shooting Star / American in Paris" aka "Dylan Is a Cheating Whore"

This episode is fun because Dean Cain makes his first appearance and because it's the beginning of the long and winding road that is Kelly and Dylan's relationship. Brandon is dating some chick named Brooke, who I’m pretty sure is a racist. He also befriends a homeless man. (What is up with these people befriending the dirty homeless population of LA?) Dylan and Kelly realize all of a sudden that they were meant to be together. WHAT ABOUT BRENDA YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING BITCHES?!?! David lets Steve be his manager (David is all…trying to be a rock star or something). Andrea the retard loses her deaf student. And Brenda falls in love with DEAN CAIN (!!!) in Paris, but he thinks she’s French, so she has to keep up this charade. I guess they’re all cheaters. Tsk tsk tsk.

From the back of the box:

“SHOOTING STAR” / “AMERICAN IN PARIS” - Original Airdate: August 12, 1992
Brenda pretends to be French to spend time with an American student in Paris. Brandon befriends a homeless man. Dylan and Kelly discuss their relationship.

Here we go here we go again…

• Dylan and Kelly are all over each other in the picture on the menu of this disc. Shame shame shame. Although eventually they end up together, I still think it should have been Dylan and Brenda.
  
• Francs! Ah, days before the Euro.
  
• I wonder where they filmed the Paris scenes. They…couldn’t possibly have gone to France, could they have?
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. She has this deaf kid she’s helping out and she’s bothering Brandon at work. GOD.
  
• This homeless vet does not belong on the beach.
  
• Oh holy rollerblading gear, Batman! Brandon’s racist girlfriend is a skanky bitch.
  
• Nice, um, short shorts, Steve.
  
• David is not a talented musician. He sounds like Milli Vanilli. And why did he set up his studio in his father’s beach club cabana?
  
• Dylan and Kelly hooked up last episode I guess. At least Kelly is feeling remorse. Dylan, on the other hand, is not. I guess Kelly isn’t the bitch I always want to think she is.
  
• Hmmm, this looks more like Griffith Park and less like the Jardins des Tuileries.
  
• Dean Cain is tres sexy.
  
• What is it with the romanticization of Paris? It is seriously not all that it is cracked up to be, dudes.
  
• “London was cool, but they drive on the wrong side of the street.” Excellent observation, Rick.
  
• Sweet Moses I cannot get over that winner of a onesie Brandon’s gf is wearing. And is that a gold chain, Brandon? Coupled with jeans shorts?
  
• The homeless vet is rather bitter. Get thee to the Salvation Army, good man! It’s in Santa Monica.
  
• Oooh damn, Kelly has admitted her lifelong crush on Dylan. Not good, Taylor, not good.
  
• Shit, they’re gonna have sex now. And it’s gonna be a big deal because Brenda wouldn’t give it up for so long, but since Kelly’s a slut, she has no problem jumping into bed at the drop of a hat.
  
• Awww, Dylan feels guilty. I’m rooting for him and Brenda, I know it won’t last though. So sad. Teenage love is so sad.
  
• DAMNIT BRENDA, STAY AWAY FROM DEAN CAIN!
  
• Ghetto camera, bud.
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2. She’s wearing mom khakis.
  
• Way to be all social message-y, Darren Starr. ”The government doesn’t take care of our vets” blah blah blah. I don’t want my 90210 contaminated by your stupid angsty freshman year politics.
  
• Brenda, you lying, cheating whore.
  
• So Kelly is more adventurous than Brenda. She’ll jetski with Dylan and make out with him in the water. Ugh.
  
• Ah yes, Jim Walsh sent Brenda to Paris to separate her from Dylan.
  
• Rick needs to be taught about the European kiss greeting? Retard.
  
• Nice, um, muscle shirt, Steve.
  
• You’re such a romantic, Dylan, camping out under the stars on the beach and all. One word: sand.
  
• Oh damn…caught by David Silver.
  
• Brenda wears corsets under her clothes. Hot.
  
• “Steve has connections, Kelly, he can get me a record deal.” You said it, Kelly: “In your dreams, David.”
  
• The southern belle who’s on the study abroad program has glasses the size of her head.
  
• Hmmm, Rick shows up at the good-bye party for the Americans. What a small world. And what the eff is up with his obsession with French women? They’re uptight smokestacks.
  
• Hot sunglasses, David.
  
• Steve is the Lynne Spears of the friend world. His friends are only worth as much money as they can make him.
  
• Ah, wise Henry, you lost faith in humanity long ago. Young Brandon has so much to learn.
  
• Whoa, whoa, WHOA, Dylan, you weren’t seriously considering leaving Brenda for Kelly, were you?!?! Kelly is a better man than you.
  
• Brandon’s racist girlfriend looks like she’s 47.
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #3. She interrupts all romantic moments with her stupid pathetic shit. How did she get herself an official Beverly Hills Beach Club uniform?
  
• Brenda is risking it all to say good bye to Rick! For some reason I don’t hate her for cheating as much as I hate Dylan for it.
  
• Meanwhile, Dylan is camping out on the beach with a bonfire and Kelly and a pizza. And he makes a really really lame Casablanca reference when he says, “Of all the beaches in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”
  
• You cannot see that many stars off the western LA coast. Light pollution.
  
• Okay, damn, this music totally made me fall for Dylan and Kelly to be together.
  

This is getting good...

2.27 "Mexican Standoff" aka "Brenda is a Badass"

Okay so I vaguely remember this one. Brenda’s been missing curfew for a few weeks, so she’s on thin ice as it is. Then, Dylan’s going down to Mexico for the weekend to go catch the waves and invites Brenda along. Jim (that’s Mr. Walsh) says Brenda can’t go, so she says “fuck that” and goes anyway. I wish I had had the cojones to do that when I was in high school. Hell, I wish I had the cojones to do that now.

From the back of the box: 

“MEXICAN STANDOFF” - Original Airdate April 30, 1992

Brenda deceives her parents and runs off to Mexico with Dylan–only to get trapped on the wrong side of the border!

• Ahhh, teen make out sessions. Best part of any show, because it exposes me to a life I NEVER HAD.
  
• Cindy is kind of liberal. She’s cool with letting Brenda go to Baja. I can’t believe this, she’s convinced him to let her go. Brandon’s flipping his shit. I mean, I guess I can understand it - they already know they’ve had sex after they found her pregnancy test, so what are they so freaked about? Plus, it’s not like Dylan drinks, he’s a recovering alcoholic for cripe’s sake.
  
• OMG, so Dylan’s going to take Brenda to teach her how to surf, and they run into Dylan’s old pal Jake Hanson - FROM MELROSE PLACE! I LOVE the cross-referencing between those two shows, it’s SO post-modern.
  
• Brandon’s seriously ticked off that Brenda got permission to go.
  
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. Andrea, nobody wants your opinion. Andrea, nobody cares that you have “always wanted to go to Mexico.” Fucking buy a bus ticket and sit for a few hours and you’ll be in TJ, freak.
  
• Cold, Steve, you’re so cold.
  
• Jake Hanson shows up at the Peach Pit. He even knows Nat. This is soooo meta.
  
• Brenda, Jake Hanson does not want to meet ANDREA. Nor does he want to meet the rest of your HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS.
  
• Oh damn. Brenda fell asleep watching a movie with Dylan. Adios, Mexico!
  
• Kelly’s caustic commentary is really quite amusing.
  
• Hmmm, Donna’s rents are splitting up? I thought they were together forever. Maybe not.
  
• Ha…ha…ha. Kelly’s mom is knocked up and has to wear a maternity wedding dress.
  
• Oh, shit! Kelly hooks up with Jake, I totally forgot about that! This is too good to be true. Statutory rape, anyone?
  
• Dylan really is a bad influence. Just because you grew up in a hotel without any parents doesn’t mean that nobody should respect their elders, pal.
  
• Okay, so they leave for Mexico at 5 am, and when they pull up to a pay phone on the beach it’s light out. But then five minutes later when they check into the motel…it’s night. This is why you hire people for continuity.
  
• Brenda flips when Dylan’s friend Rosalita mentions the girl Dylan brought to the motel last summer - WHEN DYLAN AND BRENDA WERE STILL GOING OUT! (Well, when they were “on a break.”) The greatest weekend of her life is now ruined. The melodrama this girl is able to conjure up is epic.
  
• Ha! Kelly says she’s “nuking some lasagna.” When was the last time you heard that phrase?
  
• Kelly’s manse is so vintage 80s construction. It’s, like, made of concrete.
  
• Oooh, penis innuendo.
  
• Jake thinks Kelly is a tough cookie. That’s special.
  
• Steve drops by Kelly’s house when Jake is there and gets all hurt. I know how he feels. It is hard to get over a true love. Don’t be so mean to Steve, Kelly.
  
• A guitar man at the restaurant Brenda and Dylan are at for dinner is what makes Brenda forgive him.
  
• Kelly’s happy now because she got some.
  
• I’m envious of a time when they let normal-sized girls have principal roles on hit television shows.
  
• The INS dude seems to be getting a sick pleasure out of telling Brenda she’s going to have to fess up to her dad in order to get back into America.
  
• Oooh, cliffhanger. The next one should be good.
  

Thank GOD Andrea’s presence in this episode was minimal. Thank you, writers.

More to come!!

1.23 "Spring Dance" aka "Brenda Gives It Up"

This is a classic 90210 episode - possibly the best there is; if not, definitely in the Top 5. This is one of those episodes you watch, sigh, and think: “I wish my life was like that.” Yes. Simple, pure, doing it in a hotel room upstairs from a school dance. It doesn’t get much more romantic than that.

From the back of the case:

“SPRING DANCE” - Original Airdate: May 02, 1991
The drama and the stakes rise as the West Beverly High crew gets ready for their Spring Dance.

Brenda loses her virginity to Dylan; Kelly confesses her love for Brandon; and David wins the dance contest and the right to dance with the spring queen. First of all, let’s stop right there: David wins the right to dance with the spring queen? Doesn’t that sound awkward? Semantics aside, it’s like she’s one hot commodity. And if I know anything about West Bev, I would put money on Kelly being that hot commodity (even if I hadn’t already seen the episode). So anyway, basically, everyone’s all revved up because the big spring dance is coming up. Andrea, in her typical obnoxious big glasses-wearing way, makes this big fuss about how school dances are antiquated and only cease to exist to perpetuate the male-dominated society or some BS she cooked up like that. Just hop into a women’s lib class in any college across America and they’ll probably churn out what Andrea had to say about the dance. Anyway, the salient feature of this episode, however, is that Brenda finally does the dirty dirty with Dylan. That boy is a saint for waiting that long for her. I mean, seriously, would Dylan McKay in real life ever have not dumped her? I guess, um, love knows no boundaries?

Let the capricious criticism begin.

• Wow, Scott actually is credited in the opening credits here? That’s surprising. ”Douglas Emerson” (Scott Scanlon, David’s bff before he got cool) will teach everyone an important lesson about gun safety sometime next season.
• Ew. Spring apparently makes Steve super-horny.
• Suddenly there’s some new “hot chick” aside from Kelly? WTF? Who the hell is Darla Dillard and why do we care about her? She is not in the gang; therefore, she does not matter. According to Steve she has a thing for him.
• Also according to Steve, “The dance is only an excuse to get a room!” Class-y.
• Ahhh, David’s radio show. How quaint. What the hell is he wearing? I will try to get a picture to share the experience with you.
• Andrea’s never known a spring princess before (Kelly is one of four Spring Princesses who are in the running for Spring Queen). Big shocker there.
• The writers here clearly have never talked in real life before. ”So, are you going to the school dance?” is not a question that is uttered outside of a juvenile television sitcom/drama.
• Oh Andrea and your Second Wave Feminism.
• Darla pets Steve. And then he asks her to go to with him to the dance - but not without going somewhere “terminally hip” for dinner. Aiyaiyai.
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #1. Brenda’s trying to convince Andrea to ask Brandon to the dance. WHY? SHE IS NOT COOL. IN ANY SENSE OF THE WORD.
• “Dating’s your life,” says Brandon to Kelly. ”I know. But of all the guys at Beverly or West Beverly, I’ve either dated them or they’re taken.” That is…definitely something to broadcast, Kelly.
• Haha. Steve gets stuck taking Donna to the dance. I had forgotten about that. And Donna, for being one of the popular girls, gets surprisingly flustered when Steve asks her. You’re friends, why are you being retarded? It’s not like you have any kind of sexuality.
• Oooooh, burn. Andrea finds out about Kelly and Brandon going together and she is piiiiiiissed. Sorry Andrea, Brandon won’t be coming over to your lame-ass house on Saturday to watch movies and pretend to be cool because you didn’t go to prom. LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE ALONE.
• Holy crappola, these people go all out for the spring dance. My god. It’s not a wedding, people.
• Dylan doesn’t talk about “that stuff” when Steve mentions Dylan spending the whole night in a hotel room with Brenda. Um…awkward.
• Donna’s dress is, yes, Kelly, OUTRAGEOUS. She has a hoop for Pete’s sake.
• Uh-oh, Brenda and Kelly are wearing the same dress! Fashion no-no!
• Steve is SUPER butt-hurt that Kelly is taking Brandon.
• No, Kelly, vegetable corsages are NOT “totally hot.”
• BEST LINE EVER: Kelly: Brenda, I am a Spring Princess! Brenda: Kelly, I don’t give a damn.
• I mean seriously. Donna’s dress is ridiculous. Cute group prom pic though. Shame I didn’t go to my own.
• Oh yeah, and Andrea eats Ben & Jerry’s by herself and watches some Carrie knock-off called “Prom Nightmare.” Super cool. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #2.
• OMGOMGOMG DONNA IS WEARING A GARTER. IS THAT FOR REAL?!
• Oh this is so hot. Brenda: She’s acting like this is her night or something! Dylan: Well, it’s not. It’s your night. In fact, it’s our night. [waves hotel room key in the air]
• Brandon doesn’t dance. I don’t know if this is a Brandon thing or a Jason Priestley thing, but they always make such a big deal out of it.
• Brenda’s super-nervous about having sex. That’s what happens when you have sex in high school, little girl.
• Dylan: Bren, we’re not going to be judging each other up there, we’re going to be enjoying each other.
• Sigh. Luke Perry is a dreamboat.
• Wow, Kelly’s really begging Brandon to go out with her. Excellent irony, Darren Starr.
• Steve’s acting like an asshole because everybody forgot his birthday. Steve just found out he’s adopted. Yawn.
• I can’t get over that Brandon is wearing radishes on his tux.
• Okay so the REAL reason Steve is pissed is because he confided this whole bombshell announcement of his adoption to her and she totally blew him off because tonight is her night to shine.
• Kelly wins Spring Queen. Hello, Captain Obvious.
• Who the hell is Brad Phillips? And why does he get a sceptre? They take their royal court waaaay too seriously.
• They have a DANCE-OFF. Winner gets a large pizza, two drinks, and the last dance with the Spring King/Queen. These bitches live in Beverly Hills and that’s the best prize they could come up with?! No wonder everybody’s upstairs having sex.
• Brenda, a standard-issue hotel room is not ”so beautiful.”
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #3. She falls asleep and dreams that she’s the chainsaw-wielding prom-goer with a grudge, and when she wakes up, she decides to borrow her mom’s “evening gown.” Andrea is supposed to be poor. Where does her mother go that would necessitate an evening gown? And should she really be spending money on gowns?
• Steve pulls out the big guns in attacking Kelly when she goes to apologize to him. Drugged mother, father she never sees but who supplies all her money, yaddah yaddah yaddah. He makes her cry though. He kind of is a jerk.
• Some woman wearing a dress that looks like it’s made out of plastic and LONG GLOVES is the judge for the dance contest.
• David only has one move. He wins the contest though. He’s such a little dweeb.
• Andrea’s mother’s “evening gown” looks like it could have been made out of curtains. So maybe she didn’t spend four weeks’ worth of paychecks on a “gown.”
• No, Brandon, Andrea does NOT look “absolutely gorgeous.” I hate when people throw around the words “beautiful” and “gorgeous.” Just because you’re dressed up doesn’t mean you’re good-looking. Sorry, but it’s true.
• Brenda and Kelly make up because now that Brenda’s had sex she’s over such childish arguments.
• David gets his dream come true - to dance with Kelly Taylor. Also, David is wearing one of those weird things that people on dude ranches wear instead of ties.
• Yes, Andrea, you are a geek.
• Man, all the ladies are mackin’ on Brandon tonight.
• Donna totally got the shaft. Bad date, bad dress.
• WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! Moment #4. In real high schools across America the Kelly Taylors are NOT friends with the Andrea Zuckermans.
• Oh, Dylan, you’re so introspective.



Man, that was good.

2.15: "U4EA" aka "Brandon Can't Handle His Drugs"

This is my inaugural post to this site/column/social snark commentary/what have you. I am beginning with Season 2 not for any reason other than I just got it this weekend and it inspired me to begin the deconstructing of one of the greatest teen dramas EVER.

I decided to start with this classic Emily Valentine episode for several reasons: it’s one of my favorite episodes of 90210 ever, one that I think truly captures the essence of the show. Also, my former boss directed this episode. I considered reviewing them in order, Pilot to Series Finale, Season 1 through Season 10, but then decided that I would probably stay more entertained with this project if I jumped around and started with some of the best episodes. I will stay in GENERAL chronological order, however (mostly because they haven’t released most of the seasons on DVD yet).

From the back of the DVD: “U4EA” - Original Airdate: November 14, 1991
Emily invites everyone to a secret party at an underground club - where she does something that could end her relationship with Brandon forever!

So Emily Valentine is the psycho-but-”sexy” girl from out of town who swoops in in the second season and catches the eye of both Brandon and Dylan. Her true psychoness doesn’t really shine through until later on, but it starts to unravel here. She has a ballsy short hair cut and is rockin’ the Madonna roots visible under the platinum hair and rides a motorcycle. She plays the guitar and wears flannel, which both make her stand out even more (because apparently it’s pretty out there for a girl to play the guitar at West Beverly). Anyway, blah blah blah, she ends up with Brandon. In this episode, she’s enticed the gang to attempt to go to this secret underground rave that she’s so in with, and seeing as this gang has the sophistication of 11 year olds, they are really shocked and worried about this plan. Emily tries to get the others to try “U4EA,” which I can only deduce must be the 90210 equivalent of ecstasy, but they all refuse. Wanting Brandon to partake in what is rumored to be an orgasmic experience, she slips him the drug in his non-alcoholic beverage (we gotta drive, guys). Madness and drama ensues, and Brandon ends up getting his ‘65 ‘Stang destroyed by vandalism in a mighty show of compensating moral values. And now, for the play-by-play:

• Directed by Charles Braverman! That’s my old boss.
• Emily has given Brandon a shelf in his locker. Jokes about moving in together. Sexual innuendo. This is so bizarre. Who shares lockers?
• It looks like Jason Priestley is a good kisser.
• Oh, holy Moses, it’s the egg party. Did these ever really exist? You trade an egg at a pre-arranged location for the address to the party. Note to self: Google search this. The gang seems a little worried.
• Brandon immediately takes Emily to the newspaper office and they invite Andrea. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA? moment #1. Who wants to bring big glasses-wearing narc Andrea? Why did Steve come into the school paper offices and WHY did he ask Andrea to be his date? Of course Andrea can turn this into an award-winning piece for the Blaze.
• Kelly’s so hip with her mom she can even tell her when she’s going to party. Oh Jackie Taylor, you’re so progressive.
• Mom jeans alert.
• Someone’s been reading their parenting books! Jackie has decided to step in and be a responsible mother for once, forbidding Kelly from going to this illegal underground party.
• Jim and Cindy, meanwhile, remain blissfully unawares.
• Jackie put a lot of faith in Kelly, going over to Mel’s and leaving Kelly to stay at home.
• Brandon is wearing a blazer. To a rave.
• David Silver sums it up perfectly: “Exchange an egg. That’s cool. That’s very cool.”
• The egg dude sells David Jack Daniels. What is he, headless?
• Ahhh, the moral values of these kids. Shame on David for trying to get wasted. You don’t have to drink to have fun!
• Looks like Fabio is the bartender at this little shindig.
• I seriously don’t understand how they all can be dancing without ANY SUBSTANCES IN THEM AT ALL.
• This girl - Emily - is ca-raaazy. WHO DRUGS THEIR BOYFRIEND?!
• “I love you, I knew you’d get off on it!” Whoa there Emily Valentine, easy with the dirty talk.
• Ahh, it seems that Emily Valentine has lied about her drug history. Duped again, Brandon.
• Steve and Andrea on their “date.” Steve, you have lost serious cool points for hanging out with that dweeb.
• Kelly and Brenda see syringes on the ground and tell Dylan that people are smoking crack. I guess DARE taught them nothing.
• Oh Dylan, you seasoned alcoholic, you. He took good care of David the barfing whiskey drinker.
• Brenda and Dylan are surprisingly furious at Brandon and Emily Valentine for being on drugs for people who go to West Beverly Hills High School, where there MUST be insane amounts of drugs.
• They keep calling taking U4EA “getting stoned.” Seriously, did any of these writers have ANY exposure to drugs AT ALL? I find it incredibly hard to believe that none of them would know the proper termage for the drug world.
• Andrea, predictably, is disgusted with Brandon for his lapse in judgment. WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! moment #2.
• What a lame sister - Brenda is hating on Brandon for taking U4EA because their parents trusted them. What kind of twin bond is that? You’re supposed to cover for your sibs, bitch.
• Brandon is surprisingly deep about his ONE EXPERIENCE WITH DRUGS. And Brenda is just happy that he hasn’t changed. Seriously, guys? One night? Cut the boy some slack.
• Now it’s Dylan’s turn to lecture. And Brandon pushes on in his depth: U4EA didn’t bring us closer together, it pulled us apart. How poignant.
• Cindy Walsh has seen drug casualties in her time? In college? I would have put money on her being friends with an Andrea or two of her own.
• OOOOOOH, SNAP! Emily: Do you remember all the things you said last night, Brandon? Well, let me refresh your memory. You said, I have never had such intense feelings for someone in my life. Brandon: Yeah, well, I must have been on drugs.
• Oh shit. Andrea just stepped behind the counter at the Peach Pit to perform the hit PSA, “This is your brain. [egg] This is your brain on drugs. [scrambled egg]” And it fits in, get it, because they had to EXCHANGE AN EGG! WHY ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ANDREA?! moment #3.



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